Last post of 08.

Tonight, I'm going to Lia's for a night of epicness and shenanigans. I can't wait!

I feel like I should post my new year's resolutions, just so they're written down:
Lose 5-10 lbs
Keep a 3.0 GPA
Get kissed
Let go of regrets
Understand that I am beautiful, even though I'm not stick skinny

Yeah, they're typical. The first two are, anyway. Everyone's goal is to make 2009 their year, but I'm not sure about that. I mean, 2008 was a shit year for me (except for a few little sprinkles...meeting TAI... twice being among them) and I really hope 2009 is better, but I'm not sure if I want to have a "year." It just seems weird, to have one really awesome year and the rest be horrible.

Even though I'm not sure about this "year" nonsense, I do believe in having golden years. The golden years are the years in your life where you're young, rugged and happy. See the book The Perks of Being A Wallflower for futher clarification. I do believe that these are my golden years, even if it seems otherwise.

Happy new year, world.

Fabric.

The fabric is blue. Not a sky blue, but the blue of the storm hovering in the distance on a hot summer afternoon. It is embroidered with an intricate pattern, white thread moving in and out, fast. It looks soft, satin-y -- I lean forward, trying to grip a handful of the fabric with my tiny fist. I want to touch it, run my fingers over the tiny bumps of thread.
I lean too far and topple over. I fall, sprawled spread-eagle into the billowy folds. Its rougher than I had imagined from up above it. Its thick and coarse, and it blocks out any sunlight that tries to get through. I tumble deeper, too stunned and fascinated to try to untangle myself and fight my way out. The sky above me is just a little deep green patch that grows smaller and smaller as we become more separate.
Then the patch disappears and everything goes black.

--

Last night, I was looking at my bedspread and examining it's robin's egg blue color and the tiny swirls of white thread that twist around it. I wanted to write something about the color of my bedspread. It's a pretty, relaxing color.
Today, when I was writing this I did what I often do when trying to write about a physical thing -- I change it. I made the color of my bedspread darker and I put a more pessimistic tone to it. At Writing Club, someone read a story where the person is venturing through a forest and she eventually drowns, but you don't get that she drowns until the story is finished, then it's like a "woah" kind of moment. I've always wanted to try it myself...I don't know if it's obvious that the narrator, whom I wrote as a curious little boy, drowned. It's not supposed to be.
I like this a lot, actually. I'm not sure if it's too short and to the point, but I also don't want to make it longer, because you can read about falling through the ocean only for so long before it gets boring.

The other day, I created a new blog for my writing only. I call it Puck's Portfolio, after the mischievous little fairy in A Midsummer Night's Dream. I'm still posting all that I've written here, but this is another one for my poetry and stories only. Puck's Portfolio

there's a light on in Denver.

One of the last conversations I had with my grandfather was about the book In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. It's about the murder of the entire Clutter family in 1959 in the small town of Holcomb, Kansas. We were reading it in English, and I was really enjoying it. My grandpa grew up in Kansas, and was about 20 years old at the time of the murders. He had moved out and joined the Air Force and was serving in Korea at the time. But I asked him if he remembered it, and he said yes, he did. This was just a few days before he died. He was sick and couldn't talk much, but I could tell he was interested, and even proud that he was around when it happened. It was sweet.

I drove to visit Grandpa's grave today, and I remembered this. The cemetery he's buried in, Ft. Logan, is on Kenyon Ave. In the book In Cold Blood, Kenyon Clutter was the second to be murdered, after his father. Kenyon was 15 at the time of his death, the same age I was (and still am) when my grandpa died. I think it's interesting, an omen even.

Here's more about the book. It's very good, I enjoyed it a lot.

My cute little candy-coated clementine.

Hey mister, you're the apple of my eye,
My cute little candy-coated clementine.
It's unfortunate, babyface
That you felt the need to leave,
Because I can show you a good time.
Sorry, honey,
Necrophilia isn't my style.
You were dead meat before you said "hello."
You may have fooled them,
But you didn't fool me.
Have you been working out?
Because that lazy eye is in very good shape
It's going everywhere it's supposed to;
The far side from faithful.
It's too bad, sweetheart
You're about to take a nosedive off that cliff.
You were so cute, too.
My adorable little sugar-coated soufflé,
I hope you're turning in your grave,
It's no surprise that no good comes
To those who don't behave.

--

This poem is kind of interesting. I had the first two lines written a few days ago and was struggling to make something out of it. It originally was going to be a cutesy poem about a crush, which is something I haven't done before. But it just seemed predictable to go about it in that way after the first few lines. So I tried out a more angry approach. I've read a lot of poetry on mondayeyes that had that malicious feel to it, and I wanted to try it for myself. So I did, and this is what came of it. I'm not quite sure about it yet...hopefully I'll get comments on it on mondayeyes and see. If I don't get any comments, I may rewrite it. I'm not writing for anyone but myself, of course, but I'm a little iffy on how the malice turned out and I want other people's opinions. But I figured I'd post it before I decided that I hated it haha. I'm my own worst critic.

what a catch, sarah

Sam asked me to snowball today. SNOWBALL. Our GIRLS CHOICE dance.

Actually, maybe he didn't ask me to snowball. But he kind of did. Here's what went down.

Him: Hi
Me: Hi!
Him: So are you going to snowball?
Me: I don't think so.
Him: Do you want to?
Me: I don't know. I was going to ask someone but it's a bit complicated. Haha. What about you?
Him: As of now, I don't have a date. I was wondering if you wanted to ask me.

OH MY GOD.
So basically, my response was:

Me: Ah well I'm sorry. I actually asked someone else today.

Which is total bullshit. But I have no idea what to do in this situation. I'm so unused to guys liking me I freeze. But even if I was used to it, I wouldn't have asked him. I don't know him very well, and though I would love to build a stronger friendship with him, I have no attraction to him whatsoever.

I think the reason why I've gotten so many unwanted admirers in the past four months is because I happen to be the only Jewish girl in a group of friends that happens to include about 3 Jewish boys. I hate it.

I realized that I'm absolutely terrified of being in a relationship. It's fueled mostly by my fear of rejection. A relationship can only lead to two things: breaking-up or getting married. I'm scared that I will be in a relationship that won't lead to marriage. I'm scared to be in a relationship with someone who isn't my future husband. This is because I'm scared that my first kiss, my first sex will be with someone who will just end up rejecting me eventually and breaking my heart. I know I'm just ridiculously paranoid and probably should get the stick out of my butt but it's always been something I've worried about.

I think about my soul mate sometimes. I know he has to be out there, at least, I hope he is. I hope he's alive and well.

I wonder what he is doing at that exact moment. Whether he has a girlfriend. Whether he's been kissed or is a virgin. What he enjoys doing, what his priorities are at this point in his life. Whether he's done drugs or not. One thing I think a lot about is whether or not he thinks about me. What if he wonders about me the way I wonder about him?

I wonder if I know him now.
I wonder when I'll meet him.

I'm always fantasizing about things. I'm such a girl haha. I imagine my dream proposal, kiss, etc. I wonder if my daydreams will ever come true.

I wonder too much. I think too much. I worry about the future too much. I should just live in the moment, but it's hard, when you're trying to fend off unwanted admirers and trying to have the perfect romantic experience at the same time. Not that I'm having any romantic experience. I'm just waiting.

Kaela and I were talking last night, and she told me: "consequences become regret, and there's nothing worse than that."

She's right. I must wait for that perfect experience. After all, I did write in a poem once:

So here we are, drowning in our own greed and self-inflicted despair
Impatient, restless
The thinkers shape heartbreak and lovesickness
Into words
Words that fill the blogs of the brokenhearted
Like there is no hope.
No hope whatsoever.
But we never stop to realize
That those with patience are rewarded
With the greatest prize of all.

So basically, I'm a hypocrite. But whatever.

And for the record, I'm not blogging like there is "no hope whatsoever." I'm a very hopeful person, and I don't see my blogs as "angst." More like thoughts, opinions, and dreams. Sure some of it may be negative, but I don't try to make it that way. It's the clean, raw thoughts of a teenage girl.

A song that everyone should listen to: What A Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy. Beautiful.

I want to read this.

Blue.

Your eyes, big and blue. My sky, my ocean. Long lashes mashed together, sewn tightly shut with thick, dark thread. The work of a tiny, proud elf. You do not see. You can only feel. Blind, reality slowly disappears. I become more invisible with every touch, with every breath as you love her. I am nothing. I am your bike, left out in the rain while you cuddle, warm, inside. Rusting, lusting. An insignificant detail. And yet, those big, blind, blue eyes, they pull my heartstrings so hard I wish they would break.

--

I dream of being a writer. I feel happiest with ink splatters on my hands. My other passion is music -- I played violin for many years, but I gave it up just this year, and I miss it. I would pick it up again, and I may do so sometime in the future, but it's difficult to find time to play when you're so caught up in the essence of life. I was never very good at it anyway, but I loved it, and that made all the difference. I remember, before I reached middle school I always heard people say that middle school is where you find your passion. In 6th grade, after playing for two years, I discovered that music was my passion. Of course, it's not anymore. Writing is my passion now. But I was so, so happy onstage, my fingers flying, my arm moving and flexing, pulling the bow accross the strings. I felt free. I felt like jumping out of my skin and doing a little dance while the rest of the orchestra played on. Ecspecially after numerous failed rehearsals -- and then we'd dominate at the concert. We'd fly.

I don't play anymore, though I wish I did. During my freshman year, I just couldn't love my violin. I hated going to orchestra class. I struggled and was discouraged. So I stopped to persue my other passion -- writing. I took Journalism instead of Orchestra, and I love it. It's tough, just like orchestra was, and at many times discouraging. But it's something I love and have developed a thick skin to. Nothing is more wonderful than the feeling you get when you put a couple words, a couple phrases together and it sounds nice. Nothing is comparable. And every single day, the deadlines and pressure is worth it.

I love my art. I would never, ever want to do anything else with my life.

"However, when you find yourself in love, whether it’s with a person, a place, or an art, you’re closer than ever. For instance, in a song is where I’m most myself. Capturing all my emotions in my own little melting pot of self. When you find yourself in a moment in time when NOTHING else matters but that moment, and you and yours in that moment alone, you’re real. You’re free." - William Beckett

She has reached her breaking point.

I'm not going to lie, I liked Twilight. Not the whole series, just the first 3 books. Yes, they aren't the best thing written. But they're oddly addicting and I'll be the first person with a brain to admit it. But seriously, they aren't THAT good. The movie wasn't THAT good. This girl is absolutely insane. I would pity her, but it's just too funny.

PostSecret.

Promotion commotion.

Just a couple little bands that I love to death, and you should too.

Tonight was an amazing, emotional night.

So it was my sweet sixteen/Ksenia's sweet eighteen. Even though Lia couldn't come, it was still amazing.

We played drinking games (with pop...haha) and the classic Never Have I Ever. And laptag. Laptag was fun, I was with Ephraim for a lot of the game. We're a pretty even match.

But what I remember most is after all of that. After cake. When we were all just hanging around. Angelo was playing his guitar and singing all these beautiful songs. Whenever he plays, it's always very wonderful and relaxing. It was so nice, being in the company of friends. New friends, old friends. Friends all the same. It was quiet, except for Angelo playing and singing. We all kind of had a moment.

Then later, John was playing and singing. He's not as good as Angelo, and not that great of a singer, but still, it was really amazing. I don't know why.

Tonight, I re-realized that I really do like John. It shouldn't happen and I know it; I don't plan on changing where we are right now. Friends is enough. He has a girlfriend. He wants sex. And I'm sorry, but I can't give that to him. I have feelings for him as more than a friend, but we shouldn't pursue anything. I have not faltered in my resolve.

Though there is one thing different about this whole thing. This was my 11:11 wish. I realized that I wish he'd at least know that I like him. I don't know why I feel this way, because normally I'm very introverted about things like that. I won't tell him. I want him to figure it out himself.

Gah. Things are complicated. But even with that, it's perfect. Tonight was so much fun and I am so, so comforted to be in the company of so many friends.

Goodnight.

P.S. Ksenia gave my Rant by Chuck Palahniuk for my birthday. I almost cried. She knows of my newfound love for Palahniuk. I love her so much.

In in a rare mood, so I feel the need to document it for future inspiration.

I finally see the light. I'm not so confused anymore. It's such a weird feeling.
Let me go through each topic one by one.

BODY IMAGE
It's no secret that I have low self esteem. I haven't been happy with my body at all. I've been trying to find ways to lose weight for years and years now. Since elementary school. But now, at my peak, I realized something. It's not about weight. It's not about curves. It's not about being too big or too small. It's about being happy and healthy. I resolve to eat healthier, but allow myself a break every once in a while. With a happier outlook and a healthier diet, maybe that would lead to me lopping off some pounds. But I can't get there without being happy about myself. I plan to start small and work my way up. I'm going to be happy with what I have, and seek to achieve my goals.

GRADES
My grades have been shit lately (2.5 GPA...it's the end of the semester :/) but for the past day or two, I've been more confident about it. I realized that I CAN do well in school. Stress is an issue that has taken an obvious toll on my grades, but when I can sit back in a structured, less distracting environment, I can do so well. I do have the potential to be one of those girls who do fantastic and school and have no qualms or stress about it. That's what I strive to be, only not a complete over-achiever. I'm going do document my goals here, for reference.
GPA goal: AT LEAST a 3.0 by the end of the semester

Class by class:
Spanish 2
Current grade - B 85%
Goal grade - Low A or high B

CP Biology
Current grade - C 76.03%
Goal grade - B

World History
Current grade - D+ 67%
Goal grade - Middle C

English 10 Honors (weighted)
Current grade - C 79%
Goal grade - Middle or high B

Geometry
Current grade - B 86.3%
Goal grade - Low A

Journalism
Current grade - B- 80%
Goal grade - Mid B

Of course, I'd be happy to exceed any of my goals.

BOYS
I'm repairing my friendship with Josh, which is going quite wonderful. Ephraim and I are still close buds. I made my decision about John last night, and I'm very satisfied with my choice.
I'm not denying that I have feelings for him, but I believe that I shouldn't try to hook up with him. In the long run, it's not what I'm going to want, a hookup for my first time. I feel like it's an injustice to myself, and even him. So, I'm saving myself, John and Ksenia at the same time. I found a good compromise. Friendships and staying true to yourself is more important than any guy.

FAMILY
I resolve to make more of an effort to be closer to my family. Although I still stand by the fact that I can't trust my parents quite yet, I'm going to work on it. I also want to get closer to my grandma. I plan on calling her up and taking her out to coffee and a bookstore one day. I don't get to see her enough anymore.

GENERAL HAPPINESS
I've always been a happy person, and typically very content with my life because of my friends. But am I happy by myself? Honestly, I'm a little down in the dumps. I need to get better at managing stress so I am happier. Here is what I've decided to do:

- Smile more! Even when no one is around, I resolve to smile to myself, because even smiling when I'm sad makes me happier. Laughing is good too.
- Get off the computer. I've found that internet usage takes a toll on my mental health.
- Read and write more. I've found joy in both things, and I would like to spend more time doing them.
- Blog frequently. Get my feelings out of my body where I can examine them more clearly.
- Get a decent amount of sleep every night.
- Work out. It always makes me feel better and stronger.
- Allow myself to indulge. A cookie or an unhealthy snack on occasion never hurt. Think of it as a reward for being so positive.
- Continue meditation. I've kind of abandoned that lately, and I think I need to get back on it.
- Help those in need. There are always people in worse conditions than I am.
- Enjoy life. Each and every day. I've been blessed with such a wonderful thing, and I'm only on this earth for so long. I'm going to live it to the fullest.

I don't believe I'm forgetting anything. I covered a lot of different things in just five topics. It feels good to get it out in words. So here are my new year's resolutions, if you will. A couple weeks early. But I don't know if they count, because I don't plan on waiting until the new year to start. But whatever you call it, it feels good to get it out and to set up a plan.

So the confusion returns.

John got a girlfriend at the rave on Saturday. Her name is Jenna and he's in my Geometry class. Sure, it makes me kind of sad. But something makes me even MORE sad.

As I said before, John doesn't think he'd be good in a relationship, so he's resorted to hookups only. So this came as a surprise to me. I don't think it's going to last though, he's going to have sex with her and then leave her. It's very sad, and sometimes I wonder why I even like someone like that. It's not like he's a manwhore though, he's just confused and thinks he's helping when he's hurting.

I just wonder how I can like someone who uses girls for sex. Why I'm even considering hooking up with him makes me hate myself. Because of Ksenia. Because of my morals and decision not to hook up for my first time. I just don't know.

Ksenia and I's party is Saturday. John will be there.

I just found out that my BEST FRIEND, Lia, can't come. I'm kind of pissed.

The past week.

So okay, I figured I needed to get some stuff out.

This is what happened:
On Tuesday after Writing Club, Ksenia and I were hanging as always. We were talking about how sad everyone is, and about John, etc. I almost told her about my feelings, but I didn't. I think she realized that I was holding something back. So I did end up telling her, later that night. I didn't get a text back, until early the next morning. All the while, I was freaking out, thinking she was mad at me. But when I heard back from her, she was okay with it. She said that no one can help who they like, and she's not surprised I like him, because he's amazing. It felt nice to hear, and a huge relief.
So yeah, now she knows. He doesn't know. But I was making the mix CDs that I make for my friends every year for the holidays, and I added on an extra song on the end of his. It's a song that I've always associated with him. It explains a lot of my inner feelings and concerns about this whole thing. I don't think he'll get where I'm going with it, he'll probably think it's on everyone else's CD, too. If he does realize that he's the only one who has it, he'll probably just think it's a mistake. Still, it feels good to have it out for him to hear.


23 - Jimmy Eat World

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

This is so awesome.

My brother showed me this video today. I thought it was really cool.

Folie A Deux

Amazing.

Candles.

Never underestimate the flame, a teardrop of fire, for it has seen many things. Heard many things. Every yellow-and-blue teardrop has a secret, hushed in its muted light. It dances madly about with its silent cries, melting little droplets of wax.
She's too drugged to misunderstand. Her fingers shake, long and white, like the candlesticks she tries to light. She gets one lit and suddenly her dazed, sluggish movements are too slow for him. He beckons her over.
He slips off the straps of her dress, one at a time. When the straps are securely off her shoulders, he fists the soft material and yanks it off, quicker this time.
"I love you," she whispers. She leans her body against his shoulder. He says nothing himself, but he pushes her back, away from him and onto the bed. He then pulls off his own pants and positions himself.
She squirms and writhes. She would scream, but his knife is there, inches from her face, clenched between his teeth. His eyes, pale blue, aren't as soft as they once were. They glare down at her in concentration, irises of liquid ice.
When he's finished with her, this lousy sack of skin and bones, he gets up and gets dressed. He sheaths the blade of his knife and puts it in the pocket of his Abercrombie jeans. His letter jacket safely on, he leaves her alone in the bed, bleeding and asleep.
"That's why you wouldn't fuck me," he smirks on his way out the door. "You're no good in bed."
The flame on the candle jumps erratically, screaming warnings into the room, empty except for a snoring figure in the bed and a promise ring dropped carelessly on the floor.

I told you, fire doesn't lie.







A/N: I really like this one, like I like all of my other really screwed up pieces. This is the first time I ever successfully wrote about rape though, and in such a form. Enjoy!

Adolescence.

So lets drink tonight
A toast to being young
A toast to growing up.
For sorrow and heartbreak is nothing
When sharing a flask of whiskey
With your two best friends.

The moon rises and it sets
Again and again and again
Until our bodies shrivel and die.
But tonight, we drink from the fountain of youth.
Not becoming immune to death,
But aware of it.

No worries of our changing bodies,
Or the boy down the hall.
It's either time to live,
Or it's time to fall.

Sad faces all around.

It seems like everyone is sad.
Ksenia is sad because Angelo is madly in love with her, but she loves John. And that hurts her, because there's no way she can be with John.
Alli is sad because she loves Angelo, but Angelo is in love with Ksenia, and has a whole album dedicated to her.
Kaela is having problems with Cecil...still. He's been an asshole to her ever since they started dating back in AUGUST.
Sarah and Mike are having problems...I don't know what's going on. She's upset one day but happy in his arms the next.
Ephraim likes me but to me he's just a friend. He recently got expelled.
John is sad about something. I don't know what.
And of course, I have my usual issues. Turning sixteen without having been kissed, feeling bad about Ephraim and Josh, liking John but not wanting to hurt Ksenia's feelings.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Damn. I wish things were happier times for everyone right now.

Writers Block (yay, livejournal!)

(for the record, I don't use el jay much anymore. Blogspot is so much better)

Some people spend their whole lives preparing the answer to this question: What albums are on your personal all-time Top 10 list?

Almost Here - The Academy Is...
Take This To Your Grave - Fall Out Boy
No More Sadface EP - Single File
Fast Times At Barrington High - The Academy Is...
The Con - Tegan & Sara
The Last Place You Look - Remember Maine
From Under The Cork Tree - Fall Out Boy
Underdog Alma Mater - Forever The Sickest Kids
Letters - Butch Walker
Put Up Or Shut Up EP - All Time Low


That was too hard!

Comet.

Sometimes, time passes slowly. A satellite inching its way accross the sky, making every head turn upward, wondering, is that a planet or just a web of galactic metal? Other times, it's a great comet streaking accross the great big dome of sky, upturned heads with "o"s for mouths forming "oohs" and "ahhs" at its blue flames.

The truth is, you're my comet. My great big ball of fire. Time with you passes too quickly, and soon you're going to disappear over the horizon. The minutes tick by as the day draws nearer. Caps and gowns. Graduation announcements. College. The big C-word. The word that literally translates to: "You're a big girl now. Move on." Move to one side of the country while he streaks to the other, a beautiful orb of light. My orb of light. Someone else's orb of light.

And so the day comes. The day where hearts split open with every name called. Then SILENCE. Oh, sweet silence. Scared silence. Angry silence. Hurt silence. It's the cap on the end of a bottle. It's the comet going over the horizon, onwards to please someone else in the world as if this never happened.

All because time moved too fast.

A toast to life.

Tonight, even though I'm by myself, feels special. I don't know why. I've already burnt the candle down to a pulp and have drank two small glasses of wine. I'm not planning on getting drunk tonight. I just feel like letting loose. Relaxing and just enjoying myself.

I think I'm going to watch Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas later, and finish up the piece that I'm writing that I started earlier. I'll post that tomorrow. The shul-in is tomorrow...it's going to be fun, but definitely not relaxing.


I've been dancing on the tops of buildings.
At the top of my lungs I'm singing you a song.
Don't you leave me alone.
My bones were shattered.
My pride lays shattered.
Well I'll trample my pride and tell the whole world.
To dance with me.

One month left of being 15.

It's cold. About 14 degrees and it's been snowing. Anyway, enough with the weather report...

So basically, things are looking up. I have high hopes for this coming year. Though life is still as confusing as usual, it's still somehow just amazing. It's the people I surround myself with, I think. I'm content.

Ksenia and I are having a joint birthday bash in about two weeks. For her sweet 18 and my sweet 16. Just a house party at her place. It's so weird that I'm going to be sixteen. I've been looking forward to being sixteen since I was really young, because that always seemed like the perfect age. Now I'm on the cusp. It's almost like when I turn 16, I'm going to be an adult, in a social sense, not a legal sense. It's so crazy. And I'm almost scared because of it, as silly as it sounds. I'm totally insane.

Sweet 16 and never been kissed. What a shame.

Winter Passing.

Its winter again, a white washed and frozen sky…
I came to the door, eyes maladjusted from the light,
but your voice rang clear.

You said, “For all I thought I’d ever need,
its hard to face the holidays without.”
Well I’ve left my last message on your machine
Its hard to face the holidays when you’re looking for the words to say.

So you’ve found a friend. You spend all your cold nights with him,
but if i was there, then I’d wonder why you still wear my jacket closed
with traces of my scent.

I’d say, “For all I thought I’d ever need,
its hard to face the holidays without.”
Well I’ve left my last message on your machine
Its hard to face the holidays when you’re looking for the words to say.

So stay with me here.
Nose to nose, cold enough to see as our breath slowly escapes and exchanges
from my lungs to yours, from your mouth to mine.

For all I thought I’d ever need,
its hard to face the holidays without.
Well I’ve left my last message on your machine
it’s hard to face the holidays when you’re looking for the words to say.

When you’re looking for the words to say.

- The Academy Is...

Thankful.

There are so many things I'm thankful for in my life, I cannot even express it. Friends, family, and even my enemies, for giving me determination and strength. And then there are the materialistic things: books, music, movies. I'm thankful for being blessed with almost sixteen years (and still counting!) of life. The mountains, the pool. I'm thankful to have a stable financial situation (well, my family anyway. A broke teenager isn't quite stable, but it's typical. Haha.)

I feel the need to state the names of people who have been the most influential in my life in recent years (this list is nowhere near complete):
Lia Peulen
Ksenia Kelpitsakaya
Kaela Baker
John Hattier
Olivia Martins
Megan Church
Julie Sadino
Hilary Wermers
Ms. Lesley Phillips
Ms. Loreen Hughes
Ms. Leslie Titheridge
Pete Wentz, Patrick Stump, Joe Trohman, Andy Hurley
William Beckett, Adam Siska, Mike Carden, Michael Guy Chislett, Andrew Mrotek
Diane Graham
Jim Graham
Scott Noel
Coach Chris Kroeger
Coach Ryan McLean

And many, many others. This list is nothing compared to the amount of people who have truly touched me.

So basically, I'll summarize:

I am so, so grateful to everyone who I have ever known and not known. People who have had an impact, positive or negative, on me because it's because of you that I am who I am today. Thank you so much.

Relaxation and realization.

Alright, details, details. So John sent out a mass text about 3 hours ago saying that he wasn't coming back from New Orleans (he flew down there this weekend to spend the week with his family for Thanksgiving -- he's supposed to come back Monday) because his parents didn't want him to live with them anymore. I was freaking out, thinking I was out of time. Thinking that I'd never see him again. I didn't like that, I didn't like it more than I should have.

So I was texting him for almost two hours afterwards, trying to calm him down. I told him that his parents were probably just upset and needed to cool down. That my parents have threatened to kick me out but they never have, so he shouldn't worry about it. So now, I know he's still nervous and pissed about the whole thing, but at least he has some hope.

And you know what I realized tonight?

I have a crush on John Ben Hattier.

Well, any chance that I had at all is down the toilet.

Not that there was much of a chance anyway.

John is moving to New Orleans and finishing his high school education there. I'm stunned, honestly.
More on the subject later.

We're all waiting for our faerie tale.

Life goes on like the turn of a wheel. There are bumps in the road, but we can never pass them if we don't push forward.

I keep thinking about how time is running out with John. He's graduating this year, and I'm staying here. I'm still confused about my feelings, but you know, as much as it goes against what I stand for, I may not mind a hookup with him. Kind of a bittersweet goodbye. But then again, I'll be seeing him occasionally because I don't think he's going anywhere far. So the romanticism involved with that whole prospect is moot. And even if it wasn't, I still probably wouldn't, because Ksenia is still so in love with him. I have to resist.

It would be nice though, for someone who I have feelings for to have feelings for me in return. I'm so sick of having to turn down unrequited lovers...this year has been so crazy. No one, NO ONE has ever had a crush on me before. In the last 3 or 4 months, I've gotten two. Absolutely nuts. I'm flattered, I truly am. The fact that anyone could even like me like that is just so weird. But I just can't return the feelings for either. I wish I could, but I can't. I feel so horrible because I know how it is on the other side of the spectrum, but I just can't. And I can't help that, so why am I still worrying about it? I don't even know.

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

So I think I finally figured out the appeal of the Twilight series: every girl is looking for that one person out there, and when the going gets tough like it often does with teenagers, Edward Cullen is their light at the end of the tunnel.

Though he's merely fictional, the idea of a perfect boy falling in love with a flawed girl is what we all want. We see ourselves as imperfect and not beautiful. We hang on to the shred of hope that maybe the perfect guy would fall for us, with all of ou imperfections. And that's why everyone loves Twilight. Most girls will say because of Edward's gorgeousness, and that's absolutely correct. They want to have someone who they find that beautiful fall in love with them, even if they don't consiously realize it.

That's my two cents. Just an idea. Goodnight.

"John makes my pants vibrate, I hope that's okay with you!"

I had an amazing night. Writing club (minus John...sadface) went downtown to 16th street and to the Tattered Cover, which is this absolutely amazing bookstore. Ksenia and I basically sat and discussed books and art and writing, which is always amazing. I texted John for a little bit but then he kind of disappeared like he does haha.

The sad thing is, John thinks he wouldn't be a good boyfriend, and that's why he won't be in a relationship with anyone. He's so sweet and nice, I don't see why he would feel that way. But I guess he does. That's very sad, because even though I do like him, a little bit anyway, he and Ksenia would be so adorable together.

After Tattered Cover, we walked around 16th street a little. Then we took the lightrail home and Ksenia and I walked to my house. We walked to the park and just chilled there looking at the sky for a while. Then we went back to my house and Ksenia went home. Now I'm here.

I have a theory - Ephraim is a virgin. I'm a virgin. Ephraim is more insecure about it than I am. My theory is that he doesn't actually have a crush on me, he just wants to get laid. Since I'm a virgin, he thinks I'm just dying for an oppertunity to have sex, which is wrong. So he thinks I'm an easy target.

It's a more likely explanation than him actually liking me.

The whole John situation, I'm still figuring it out. I do have some attraction to him, but I'm still not sure if it's a crush yet. Anyway, I guess I won't have to worry about the whole hooking up thing. It's a possibility, maybe. But again, I don't want to just hook up. Not for my first kiss and everything. I'm still kind of confused, but it's all getting clearer as time goes on, and it hopefully will continue to do so.

Sometimes I wonder if I take everything too seriously. I should just go with the flow, and whatever happens, happens. But it's harder than it sounds. I feel the need to figure this all out so the stress can go away. But that's not going to happen, so why worry? I'm trying not to, but I'm finding it difficult.

Tomorrow should be interesting. Going to interview people at the semifinals for the football team.

I think I just need someone to text me tonight and keep me preoccupied. I'm still hoping.

Goodnight.

More letters.

Dear Ksenia,
I love you. You're such a good friend, and you make me feel like I'm important. It's not often that a senior does that for a sophomore. Today you told me you're in love with John...that's really sweet. Even though I kind of like him, it's still not enough to feel hurt about it. I'd never get in the way of you two, even though you say that you have no chance together because of shit that went down last year. Even though you don't know about my slight attraction to him, it's not really important, because it's nothing major. Smile, girl. You're in love, don't feel sad. :)
Love,
Sarah

Dear Craig Scott,
Thank you for speaking at Creek today. You have no idea the impact it made on me. You heard the gunshot that killed your sister. You saw many people die, and you were close to being killed yourself. Yet you can speak about the tragedy and not even tear up, you're even able to add humor to it. That's really inspiring. I hope your sister, Isaiah, Matt, and everyone else who died that day rest in peace. I remember that day, not well, but I do remember it. I was 6 years old and still kind of confused about everything that was going on, but I do remember the day they died, and I always will. Thank you again.
Love,
Sarah

Letter to Ephraim.

Dear Ephraim,
Kaela told me that you like me. I pretty much guessed it. I can tell you're hurt, and I'm sorry. I truly am. But now you know how I feel. I'm not interested in anything more than a friendship with you, Ephraim. You're a very sweet guy (even if you can be an idiot) and I had fun Saturday night with you. I just can't be your girlfriend, or anything of that sort. I don't have any romantic feelings for you at all, and I'm not going to put myself in a relationship where I can't feel anything back for that person. Please don't distort me being friendly as flirting, you know it's wrong. Stop kidding yourself kid. Don't be another Josh. I'm absolutely flattered that you feel this way about me, more flattered than you can imagine. I can't believe that anyone could even have a crush on me, and I have no clue why. But you do.

Hopefully, we can fix things. I think we can. I really do think you're a great friend and I hope we can continue to be.

Sincerely,
Sarah

Fuck all this.

I'm just done caring right now. I'm spending all this time freaking out because I can't see the future anymore. I need to get out, by myself. But I don't know where to go. I just can't deal. I need a clear head. I want to take a long walk to the library, but it's not open yet. I'm just so confused and scared as fuck for this year. I thought I was going to be stuck alone romantically my entire sophomore year, which I most likely still will, but it's going to be even more torturous than it would be if nobody had a crush on me.

I'm getting out. Separating myself from the world for a few hours.

A walk.

Through the brisk air, weaving through the trees draped with festive holiday lights and around fountains streaming with cool snow-water, we walk. We don't touch. We don't smile. We don't speak. We just walk. The planes of your face are silhouetted by the dim glow of the moon as your features pinch together in concentration. The anticipation is killing me, biting a bloody hole in my lip. It's just him and me, me and him. The snow. The lights. The bloody hole in my lower lip. Who knew the light at the end of the tunnel could be nothing but a trainwreck waiting to happen? The youngsters throwing themselves at any opportunity to love, to be loved, only to be mutilated and left for dead in the end. We think that we are happy, yet it's a facade. An act. And we end up bleeding when things don't work out. Yet, if only we had to step back for a minute, examine the moment through the lense of a camera, we would see that we thought too fast. And now, we pay. We wait for those biting words that reject us for being too clingy or too desperate. All because we convinced ourselves that we were in love. The perfect couple, together because the public found it necessary and took pleasure from the sight of our held hands, our passionate kisses.We never thought to consider the consequences, and here we walk, silent and stone-cold, wondering if we had made a mistake.

game of hearts.

So I think I may have some kind of direction of where I'm going. Maybe. I'm still as confused and lost as ever, but I may be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if that is the light I'm seeing, it's most likely a trainwreck waiting to happen.

So tonight while hanging out with Ephraim at the mall and walking with him through the lights and in the cold made me realize something. It was random and has nothing to do with Ephraim. But I realized that I really do like John. Not quite a crush quite yet, but there's definitely some interest there. More interest than with anyone else, I think.

I'd like to kiss him. See how it feels. But I'm kind of weary about a relationship. He's a senior; I'm a sophomore. I promised myself in 8th grade that I wouldn't date anyone more than a year older than me, because of the whole graduation thing. But back then, I didn't have so many older friends. The thing is, that's kind of hypocritical. I don't want to hook up with someone without having a relationship, especially for my first time. This is where I'm lost.

But I shouldn't worry about it too much. Even though John and I are friends, it's not like we have a chance at anything anyway. He's too good for me, plus he has no interest in me as anything more, as far as I'm aware.

So anyway, I'm still confused and lost about what I want out of this whole thing. High school is so confusing.

I am standing in the ocean rain
Rough and ready
For your deadly game
I've got nowhere else to go

<3

You said, “For all I thought I’d ever need,
its hard to face the holidays without.”
Well I’ve left my last message on your machine
Its hard to face the holidays when you’re looking for the words to say.


Goodnight.

The release.

The release
Knowing, finally knowing
How it feels to be in love
We swallow all our downy thoughts
between the sheets
And the plush pillows under our heads
are nothing more than a burden

Another perfectly cliche poem
About the life we wish to lead
All we want is someone.
Someone who cares.
Someone who listens.
What we want is security.
Sex.
Satisfaction.

So here we are, drowning in our own greed and self-inflicted despair
Impatient, restless
The thinkers shape heartbreak and lovesickness
Into words
Words that fill the blogs of the brokenhearted
Like there is no hope.
No hope whatsoever.
But we never stop to realize
That those with patience are rewarded
With the greatest prize of all.

Letters to Josh.

When we met we were just thirteen
Shy and outgoing meeting somewhere in between.
Instantly becoming best friends,
And that way we would stay
Until I broke your heart one day.

Our friendship seemed unbreakable
Our bond was as good as ever
Until the day you fell in love,
And on that day I turned away from forever.

Don't think that this comes easy
That I'm just another coldhearted girl.
Just know that I don't like this either
Because hurting you hurts me.

There's another girl out there
Who will treat you better than I.
So forget about me loverboy
And don't you dare cry.

Go Barack!

I'm starting to cry now, not gonna lie.
It's so amazing how we're here to witness history being made. Our children and grandchildren will be reading about this election in history books, and we can say that we were there. That we took a part of the election of the first black president. It's amazing.

No more yes, we can.
More like yes, we did.
Thank you.

Happy halloween!

I'm dressing as "white trash" tonight...I made a short little dress out of a white trash bag. I'm wearing it with metallic leggings and hooker makeup. XD Tonight should be fun.

This weekend, I'm heading up to Wagon Tongue one last time this year. I can't wait. I'm considering it a "writer's retreat," even though it's just me. I plan on getting a ton of writing done up there. I'm going to freeze my butt off, but that will only help trigger inspiration.

See you Monday.

=]

New Dave Melillo demo. I love it. Listen here. He's such an amazing, talented musician. I'm a huge fan of his solo work. Unfortunately, he's now a member of the shitty Cute Is What We Aim For. Hopefully it's only temporary, and the fact that he's releasing a demo is a good sign, but he still doesn't have any plans to leave Cute. It's too bad, because he has more talent than the rest of them. I posted his video for Knights of the Island Counter a few days ago.

In general, I'm happy. Haven't written anything good lately, but hopefully better inspiration will come this weekend. I finished Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. Amazing book. I'm now onto Fight Club, which I hope will be equally good. Palahniuk is brilliant. I can't believe I never realized this until recently.

I adore this video.

Beautiful girl.

The Amityville Horror was good. Very intense. There were a TON of cliches (creaking swing set, barking dog, etc) but it seemed to work. It got less cliche as the movie went on. Definitely a new favorite horror flick. I have to watch the original.

Today I'm in a really good mood. I'm smiling right now. For what reason? Well, there is none. I'm just happy, I guess. It's probably still some dsjhfjdshfjs left over from sunday.

I haven't gotten out of the house much this break, which is sad. But hopefully that will change.

Check out this video. I absolutely adore it....it's nice to see GUYS reach out to GIRLS in that way.
Beautiful Girl - INXS

From MCR to Queen.

Today, my mom and I actually got along very well. We're really so much alike - maybe that's why we don't typically get along. But now she's hooked on The Academy Is..., so I can talk to her about that. She thinks William Beckett is cute, and she met him last night. Haha. She's not the only one.

In the Halloween spirit, I'm going to go watch The Amityville Horror (the remake). I've never seen it myself, but I've heard good things about it. It sounds absolutely fascinating...kind of like the book In Cold Blood, by Truman Capote. Great book.

Later.

The greatest night of my life.

<3
This one's for you, Grandpa.

<3

First crush.

This one boy taught me a lot, and he has no idea. Even though he broke my heart, he's still a source of inspiration to me every day. He wasn't technically the first crush I had, but the first real one, in my opinion.

Scott was in my Language Arts class in 7th grade. He was cute and funny. I liked him instantly. I liked him for three long years, unrequited. It wasn't until 9th grade when I realized that he could never like me. I hadn't talked to him since 7th grade, so I was only crushing on what I thought he was. But I finally snapped and spent an afternoon crying in a bathroom at school.

But as upsetting and heartbreaking as it was, here I am, a year later, completely moved on. It wasn't easy, and it took months and months for my transition to be complete. Now I look at him and think, "why did I ever like that scrawny twig?"

The thing it taught me was to not be tied down by anybody. I spent three years of my life tied down by him, crushing on him so hard without the feelings being mutual. I spent three years of my life looking at the back of his head at football games. I spent three years of my life being lovesick. But now that those three years have past, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Sure, I'm interested in some guys. But I would never consider them a crush, because they don't make my heart flutter the way it did with Scott.

I don't throw the word "crush" around much anymore. Because though a crush is nothing compared to love, I still consider it a crucial, important thing. Few people go through high school being in actual love. Almost everyone goes through high school with at least one crush. That's what high school is to me, four years of getting to experiment and taking test drives. When I sit at my special spot, looking over the football field, watching some sports team practice, my feet crunching on the dry leaves coating the grass, I know this. I know that I can't be tied down by a crush.

New.

This blog is new. I just came from using LJ, but I think that blogspot is easier to use. I had one before, you can check it out here.

This is kind of a cheesy, sappy story, but I have to tell it on all of my blogs because it's an important part of who I am/my blogs.

The title of my blog came from the song Almost Here by The Academy Is.... The lyric "our time is almost here" relates back to their first album Almost Here, which I absolutely adore and it's my favorite album to date. This song is the final track on the album, which holds a special meaning to me.

That album means a lot to me, not because it's amazing and The Academy Is... is my favorite band. My grandfather died this past March, and during the last week of his life, I couldn't take my TAI... playlist off repeat. They mean so much to me and they helped keep me sane, and they put a smile on my face when times were tough. I remember the night of March 17th, 2008, when my mother got a phone call from my grandma. My grandpa had been in the hospital/hospice since January 31st, and was very ill. My grandma said that my grandpa was having a tough night. So my mom put on her coat and got ready to leave to go to the hospice. I wanted to go with her like always, because I wanted to be with my grandpa, even though it made me sick to see him the way he was. But I didn't say anything and watched my mother go.

I was so scared that this was going to be the night that my grandpa finally died, the same sick fear that I had felt every day during his sickness. When my mom left, I grabbed my ipod and sat on the stairs. Almost Here was the first song that popped up. And that song helped me accept that it was time for my grandpa to die. It was like he was speaking to me for the last time. He seemed to be telling me that his time was coming, and that I needed to be brave.

So listen up.
I worked in daylight feeding fashion to housewives.
For just this once, I'll take my chances on truck stops and state lines.
Go ahead and tell them again.
Well I think that I know that they won't remember.
Go ahead and tell them twice.
Yeah, twice is nice, but three times is just right.

Hey, hey now we're almost home.
I'm missing you to death, but it's all for the best, I know.
Hey, hey we're not far from home.
I've got my pride, and I'll let you sleep tonight.

So listen up.
My old friends have been dropping like houseflies.
The smoking gun still sits in my pocket and I know how to use it.
Go ahead and tell them again.
Well I think that I know that I won't forgive them
for turning their backs when we started to get busy.
Yeah twice is fine, but three times is just right.

Hey, hey now we're almost home.
I'm missing you to death, but to each his own.
Hey, hey we're not far from home.
I've got my pride, and I'll let you sleep tonight.

Hey, hey now we're almost home.
I'm missing you to death, missing you to death.
Hey, hey we're not far from home.
I'll swallow my pride and push back my seat tonight.

I'm on my feet.
This isn't like us anyway.
I'm running...
Our time is almost here.

That night, I finally accepted the fact that it was time for him to go.
He died at 8:45 AM the next morning.