what a catch, sarah

Sam asked me to snowball today. SNOWBALL. Our GIRLS CHOICE dance.

Actually, maybe he didn't ask me to snowball. But he kind of did. Here's what went down.

Him: Hi
Me: Hi!
Him: So are you going to snowball?
Me: I don't think so.
Him: Do you want to?
Me: I don't know. I was going to ask someone but it's a bit complicated. Haha. What about you?
Him: As of now, I don't have a date. I was wondering if you wanted to ask me.

OH MY GOD.
So basically, my response was:

Me: Ah well I'm sorry. I actually asked someone else today.

Which is total bullshit. But I have no idea what to do in this situation. I'm so unused to guys liking me I freeze. But even if I was used to it, I wouldn't have asked him. I don't know him very well, and though I would love to build a stronger friendship with him, I have no attraction to him whatsoever.

I think the reason why I've gotten so many unwanted admirers in the past four months is because I happen to be the only Jewish girl in a group of friends that happens to include about 3 Jewish boys. I hate it.

I realized that I'm absolutely terrified of being in a relationship. It's fueled mostly by my fear of rejection. A relationship can only lead to two things: breaking-up or getting married. I'm scared that I will be in a relationship that won't lead to marriage. I'm scared to be in a relationship with someone who isn't my future husband. This is because I'm scared that my first kiss, my first sex will be with someone who will just end up rejecting me eventually and breaking my heart. I know I'm just ridiculously paranoid and probably should get the stick out of my butt but it's always been something I've worried about.

I think about my soul mate sometimes. I know he has to be out there, at least, I hope he is. I hope he's alive and well.

I wonder what he is doing at that exact moment. Whether he has a girlfriend. Whether he's been kissed or is a virgin. What he enjoys doing, what his priorities are at this point in his life. Whether he's done drugs or not. One thing I think a lot about is whether or not he thinks about me. What if he wonders about me the way I wonder about him?

I wonder if I know him now.
I wonder when I'll meet him.

I'm always fantasizing about things. I'm such a girl haha. I imagine my dream proposal, kiss, etc. I wonder if my daydreams will ever come true.

I wonder too much. I think too much. I worry about the future too much. I should just live in the moment, but it's hard, when you're trying to fend off unwanted admirers and trying to have the perfect romantic experience at the same time. Not that I'm having any romantic experience. I'm just waiting.

Kaela and I were talking last night, and she told me: "consequences become regret, and there's nothing worse than that."

She's right. I must wait for that perfect experience. After all, I did write in a poem once:

So here we are, drowning in our own greed and self-inflicted despair
Impatient, restless
The thinkers shape heartbreak and lovesickness
Into words
Words that fill the blogs of the brokenhearted
Like there is no hope.
No hope whatsoever.
But we never stop to realize
That those with patience are rewarded
With the greatest prize of all.

So basically, I'm a hypocrite. But whatever.

And for the record, I'm not blogging like there is "no hope whatsoever." I'm a very hopeful person, and I don't see my blogs as "angst." More like thoughts, opinions, and dreams. Sure some of it may be negative, but I don't try to make it that way. It's the clean, raw thoughts of a teenage girl.

A song that everyone should listen to: What A Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy. Beautiful.