game of hearts.

So I think I may have some kind of direction of where I'm going. Maybe. I'm still as confused and lost as ever, but I may be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if that is the light I'm seeing, it's most likely a trainwreck waiting to happen.

So tonight while hanging out with Ephraim at the mall and walking with him through the lights and in the cold made me realize something. It was random and has nothing to do with Ephraim. But I realized that I really do like John. Not quite a crush quite yet, but there's definitely some interest there. More interest than with anyone else, I think.

I'd like to kiss him. See how it feels. But I'm kind of weary about a relationship. He's a senior; I'm a sophomore. I promised myself in 8th grade that I wouldn't date anyone more than a year older than me, because of the whole graduation thing. But back then, I didn't have so many older friends. The thing is, that's kind of hypocritical. I don't want to hook up with someone without having a relationship, especially for my first time. This is where I'm lost.

But I shouldn't worry about it too much. Even though John and I are friends, it's not like we have a chance at anything anyway. He's too good for me, plus he has no interest in me as anything more, as far as I'm aware.

So anyway, I'm still confused and lost about what I want out of this whole thing. High school is so confusing.

I am standing in the ocean rain
Rough and ready
For your deadly game
I've got nowhere else to go