Last post of 08.

Tonight, I'm going to Lia's for a night of epicness and shenanigans. I can't wait!

I feel like I should post my new year's resolutions, just so they're written down:
Lose 5-10 lbs
Keep a 3.0 GPA
Get kissed
Let go of regrets
Understand that I am beautiful, even though I'm not stick skinny

Yeah, they're typical. The first two are, anyway. Everyone's goal is to make 2009 their year, but I'm not sure about that. I mean, 2008 was a shit year for me (except for a few little sprinkles...meeting TAI... twice being among them) and I really hope 2009 is better, but I'm not sure if I want to have a "year." It just seems weird, to have one really awesome year and the rest be horrible.

Even though I'm not sure about this "year" nonsense, I do believe in having golden years. The golden years are the years in your life where you're young, rugged and happy. See the book The Perks of Being A Wallflower for futher clarification. I do believe that these are my golden years, even if it seems otherwise.

Happy new year, world.

Fabric.

The fabric is blue. Not a sky blue, but the blue of the storm hovering in the distance on a hot summer afternoon. It is embroidered with an intricate pattern, white thread moving in and out, fast. It looks soft, satin-y -- I lean forward, trying to grip a handful of the fabric with my tiny fist. I want to touch it, run my fingers over the tiny bumps of thread.
I lean too far and topple over. I fall, sprawled spread-eagle into the billowy folds. Its rougher than I had imagined from up above it. Its thick and coarse, and it blocks out any sunlight that tries to get through. I tumble deeper, too stunned and fascinated to try to untangle myself and fight my way out. The sky above me is just a little deep green patch that grows smaller and smaller as we become more separate.
Then the patch disappears and everything goes black.

--

Last night, I was looking at my bedspread and examining it's robin's egg blue color and the tiny swirls of white thread that twist around it. I wanted to write something about the color of my bedspread. It's a pretty, relaxing color.
Today, when I was writing this I did what I often do when trying to write about a physical thing -- I change it. I made the color of my bedspread darker and I put a more pessimistic tone to it. At Writing Club, someone read a story where the person is venturing through a forest and she eventually drowns, but you don't get that she drowns until the story is finished, then it's like a "woah" kind of moment. I've always wanted to try it myself...I don't know if it's obvious that the narrator, whom I wrote as a curious little boy, drowned. It's not supposed to be.
I like this a lot, actually. I'm not sure if it's too short and to the point, but I also don't want to make it longer, because you can read about falling through the ocean only for so long before it gets boring.

The other day, I created a new blog for my writing only. I call it Puck's Portfolio, after the mischievous little fairy in A Midsummer Night's Dream. I'm still posting all that I've written here, but this is another one for my poetry and stories only. Puck's Portfolio

there's a light on in Denver.

One of the last conversations I had with my grandfather was about the book In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. It's about the murder of the entire Clutter family in 1959 in the small town of Holcomb, Kansas. We were reading it in English, and I was really enjoying it. My grandpa grew up in Kansas, and was about 20 years old at the time of the murders. He had moved out and joined the Air Force and was serving in Korea at the time. But I asked him if he remembered it, and he said yes, he did. This was just a few days before he died. He was sick and couldn't talk much, but I could tell he was interested, and even proud that he was around when it happened. It was sweet.

I drove to visit Grandpa's grave today, and I remembered this. The cemetery he's buried in, Ft. Logan, is on Kenyon Ave. In the book In Cold Blood, Kenyon Clutter was the second to be murdered, after his father. Kenyon was 15 at the time of his death, the same age I was (and still am) when my grandpa died. I think it's interesting, an omen even.

Here's more about the book. It's very good, I enjoyed it a lot.

My cute little candy-coated clementine.

Hey mister, you're the apple of my eye,
My cute little candy-coated clementine.
It's unfortunate, babyface
That you felt the need to leave,
Because I can show you a good time.
Sorry, honey,
Necrophilia isn't my style.
You were dead meat before you said "hello."
You may have fooled them,
But you didn't fool me.
Have you been working out?
Because that lazy eye is in very good shape
It's going everywhere it's supposed to;
The far side from faithful.
It's too bad, sweetheart
You're about to take a nosedive off that cliff.
You were so cute, too.
My adorable little sugar-coated soufflé,
I hope you're turning in your grave,
It's no surprise that no good comes
To those who don't behave.

--

This poem is kind of interesting. I had the first two lines written a few days ago and was struggling to make something out of it. It originally was going to be a cutesy poem about a crush, which is something I haven't done before. But it just seemed predictable to go about it in that way after the first few lines. So I tried out a more angry approach. I've read a lot of poetry on mondayeyes that had that malicious feel to it, and I wanted to try it for myself. So I did, and this is what came of it. I'm not quite sure about it yet...hopefully I'll get comments on it on mondayeyes and see. If I don't get any comments, I may rewrite it. I'm not writing for anyone but myself, of course, but I'm a little iffy on how the malice turned out and I want other people's opinions. But I figured I'd post it before I decided that I hated it haha. I'm my own worst critic.

what a catch, sarah

Sam asked me to snowball today. SNOWBALL. Our GIRLS CHOICE dance.

Actually, maybe he didn't ask me to snowball. But he kind of did. Here's what went down.

Him: Hi
Me: Hi!
Him: So are you going to snowball?
Me: I don't think so.
Him: Do you want to?
Me: I don't know. I was going to ask someone but it's a bit complicated. Haha. What about you?
Him: As of now, I don't have a date. I was wondering if you wanted to ask me.

OH MY GOD.
So basically, my response was:

Me: Ah well I'm sorry. I actually asked someone else today.

Which is total bullshit. But I have no idea what to do in this situation. I'm so unused to guys liking me I freeze. But even if I was used to it, I wouldn't have asked him. I don't know him very well, and though I would love to build a stronger friendship with him, I have no attraction to him whatsoever.

I think the reason why I've gotten so many unwanted admirers in the past four months is because I happen to be the only Jewish girl in a group of friends that happens to include about 3 Jewish boys. I hate it.

I realized that I'm absolutely terrified of being in a relationship. It's fueled mostly by my fear of rejection. A relationship can only lead to two things: breaking-up or getting married. I'm scared that I will be in a relationship that won't lead to marriage. I'm scared to be in a relationship with someone who isn't my future husband. This is because I'm scared that my first kiss, my first sex will be with someone who will just end up rejecting me eventually and breaking my heart. I know I'm just ridiculously paranoid and probably should get the stick out of my butt but it's always been something I've worried about.

I think about my soul mate sometimes. I know he has to be out there, at least, I hope he is. I hope he's alive and well.

I wonder what he is doing at that exact moment. Whether he has a girlfriend. Whether he's been kissed or is a virgin. What he enjoys doing, what his priorities are at this point in his life. Whether he's done drugs or not. One thing I think a lot about is whether or not he thinks about me. What if he wonders about me the way I wonder about him?

I wonder if I know him now.
I wonder when I'll meet him.

I'm always fantasizing about things. I'm such a girl haha. I imagine my dream proposal, kiss, etc. I wonder if my daydreams will ever come true.

I wonder too much. I think too much. I worry about the future too much. I should just live in the moment, but it's hard, when you're trying to fend off unwanted admirers and trying to have the perfect romantic experience at the same time. Not that I'm having any romantic experience. I'm just waiting.

Kaela and I were talking last night, and she told me: "consequences become regret, and there's nothing worse than that."

She's right. I must wait for that perfect experience. After all, I did write in a poem once:

So here we are, drowning in our own greed and self-inflicted despair
Impatient, restless
The thinkers shape heartbreak and lovesickness
Into words
Words that fill the blogs of the brokenhearted
Like there is no hope.
No hope whatsoever.
But we never stop to realize
That those with patience are rewarded
With the greatest prize of all.

So basically, I'm a hypocrite. But whatever.

And for the record, I'm not blogging like there is "no hope whatsoever." I'm a very hopeful person, and I don't see my blogs as "angst." More like thoughts, opinions, and dreams. Sure some of it may be negative, but I don't try to make it that way. It's the clean, raw thoughts of a teenage girl.

A song that everyone should listen to: What A Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy. Beautiful.

I want to read this.

Blue.

Your eyes, big and blue. My sky, my ocean. Long lashes mashed together, sewn tightly shut with thick, dark thread. The work of a tiny, proud elf. You do not see. You can only feel. Blind, reality slowly disappears. I become more invisible with every touch, with every breath as you love her. I am nothing. I am your bike, left out in the rain while you cuddle, warm, inside. Rusting, lusting. An insignificant detail. And yet, those big, blind, blue eyes, they pull my heartstrings so hard I wish they would break.

--

I dream of being a writer. I feel happiest with ink splatters on my hands. My other passion is music -- I played violin for many years, but I gave it up just this year, and I miss it. I would pick it up again, and I may do so sometime in the future, but it's difficult to find time to play when you're so caught up in the essence of life. I was never very good at it anyway, but I loved it, and that made all the difference. I remember, before I reached middle school I always heard people say that middle school is where you find your passion. In 6th grade, after playing for two years, I discovered that music was my passion. Of course, it's not anymore. Writing is my passion now. But I was so, so happy onstage, my fingers flying, my arm moving and flexing, pulling the bow accross the strings. I felt free. I felt like jumping out of my skin and doing a little dance while the rest of the orchestra played on. Ecspecially after numerous failed rehearsals -- and then we'd dominate at the concert. We'd fly.

I don't play anymore, though I wish I did. During my freshman year, I just couldn't love my violin. I hated going to orchestra class. I struggled and was discouraged. So I stopped to persue my other passion -- writing. I took Journalism instead of Orchestra, and I love it. It's tough, just like orchestra was, and at many times discouraging. But it's something I love and have developed a thick skin to. Nothing is more wonderful than the feeling you get when you put a couple words, a couple phrases together and it sounds nice. Nothing is comparable. And every single day, the deadlines and pressure is worth it.

I love my art. I would never, ever want to do anything else with my life.

"However, when you find yourself in love, whether it’s with a person, a place, or an art, you’re closer than ever. For instance, in a song is where I’m most myself. Capturing all my emotions in my own little melting pot of self. When you find yourself in a moment in time when NOTHING else matters but that moment, and you and yours in that moment alone, you’re real. You’re free." - William Beckett

She has reached her breaking point.

I'm not going to lie, I liked Twilight. Not the whole series, just the first 3 books. Yes, they aren't the best thing written. But they're oddly addicting and I'll be the first person with a brain to admit it. But seriously, they aren't THAT good. The movie wasn't THAT good. This girl is absolutely insane. I would pity her, but it's just too funny.

PostSecret.

Promotion commotion.

Just a couple little bands that I love to death, and you should too.

Tonight was an amazing, emotional night.

So it was my sweet sixteen/Ksenia's sweet eighteen. Even though Lia couldn't come, it was still amazing.

We played drinking games (with pop...haha) and the classic Never Have I Ever. And laptag. Laptag was fun, I was with Ephraim for a lot of the game. We're a pretty even match.

But what I remember most is after all of that. After cake. When we were all just hanging around. Angelo was playing his guitar and singing all these beautiful songs. Whenever he plays, it's always very wonderful and relaxing. It was so nice, being in the company of friends. New friends, old friends. Friends all the same. It was quiet, except for Angelo playing and singing. We all kind of had a moment.

Then later, John was playing and singing. He's not as good as Angelo, and not that great of a singer, but still, it was really amazing. I don't know why.

Tonight, I re-realized that I really do like John. It shouldn't happen and I know it; I don't plan on changing where we are right now. Friends is enough. He has a girlfriend. He wants sex. And I'm sorry, but I can't give that to him. I have feelings for him as more than a friend, but we shouldn't pursue anything. I have not faltered in my resolve.

Though there is one thing different about this whole thing. This was my 11:11 wish. I realized that I wish he'd at least know that I like him. I don't know why I feel this way, because normally I'm very introverted about things like that. I won't tell him. I want him to figure it out himself.

Gah. Things are complicated. But even with that, it's perfect. Tonight was so much fun and I am so, so comforted to be in the company of so many friends.

Goodnight.

P.S. Ksenia gave my Rant by Chuck Palahniuk for my birthday. I almost cried. She knows of my newfound love for Palahniuk. I love her so much.

In in a rare mood, so I feel the need to document it for future inspiration.

I finally see the light. I'm not so confused anymore. It's such a weird feeling.
Let me go through each topic one by one.

BODY IMAGE
It's no secret that I have low self esteem. I haven't been happy with my body at all. I've been trying to find ways to lose weight for years and years now. Since elementary school. But now, at my peak, I realized something. It's not about weight. It's not about curves. It's not about being too big or too small. It's about being happy and healthy. I resolve to eat healthier, but allow myself a break every once in a while. With a happier outlook and a healthier diet, maybe that would lead to me lopping off some pounds. But I can't get there without being happy about myself. I plan to start small and work my way up. I'm going to be happy with what I have, and seek to achieve my goals.

GRADES
My grades have been shit lately (2.5 GPA...it's the end of the semester :/) but for the past day or two, I've been more confident about it. I realized that I CAN do well in school. Stress is an issue that has taken an obvious toll on my grades, but when I can sit back in a structured, less distracting environment, I can do so well. I do have the potential to be one of those girls who do fantastic and school and have no qualms or stress about it. That's what I strive to be, only not a complete over-achiever. I'm going do document my goals here, for reference.
GPA goal: AT LEAST a 3.0 by the end of the semester

Class by class:
Spanish 2
Current grade - B 85%
Goal grade - Low A or high B

CP Biology
Current grade - C 76.03%
Goal grade - B

World History
Current grade - D+ 67%
Goal grade - Middle C

English 10 Honors (weighted)
Current grade - C 79%
Goal grade - Middle or high B

Geometry
Current grade - B 86.3%
Goal grade - Low A

Journalism
Current grade - B- 80%
Goal grade - Mid B

Of course, I'd be happy to exceed any of my goals.

BOYS
I'm repairing my friendship with Josh, which is going quite wonderful. Ephraim and I are still close buds. I made my decision about John last night, and I'm very satisfied with my choice.
I'm not denying that I have feelings for him, but I believe that I shouldn't try to hook up with him. In the long run, it's not what I'm going to want, a hookup for my first time. I feel like it's an injustice to myself, and even him. So, I'm saving myself, John and Ksenia at the same time. I found a good compromise. Friendships and staying true to yourself is more important than any guy.

FAMILY
I resolve to make more of an effort to be closer to my family. Although I still stand by the fact that I can't trust my parents quite yet, I'm going to work on it. I also want to get closer to my grandma. I plan on calling her up and taking her out to coffee and a bookstore one day. I don't get to see her enough anymore.

GENERAL HAPPINESS
I've always been a happy person, and typically very content with my life because of my friends. But am I happy by myself? Honestly, I'm a little down in the dumps. I need to get better at managing stress so I am happier. Here is what I've decided to do:

- Smile more! Even when no one is around, I resolve to smile to myself, because even smiling when I'm sad makes me happier. Laughing is good too.
- Get off the computer. I've found that internet usage takes a toll on my mental health.
- Read and write more. I've found joy in both things, and I would like to spend more time doing them.
- Blog frequently. Get my feelings out of my body where I can examine them more clearly.
- Get a decent amount of sleep every night.
- Work out. It always makes me feel better and stronger.
- Allow myself to indulge. A cookie or an unhealthy snack on occasion never hurt. Think of it as a reward for being so positive.
- Continue meditation. I've kind of abandoned that lately, and I think I need to get back on it.
- Help those in need. There are always people in worse conditions than I am.
- Enjoy life. Each and every day. I've been blessed with such a wonderful thing, and I'm only on this earth for so long. I'm going to live it to the fullest.

I don't believe I'm forgetting anything. I covered a lot of different things in just five topics. It feels good to get it out in words. So here are my new year's resolutions, if you will. A couple weeks early. But I don't know if they count, because I don't plan on waiting until the new year to start. But whatever you call it, it feels good to get it out and to set up a plan.

So the confusion returns.

John got a girlfriend at the rave on Saturday. Her name is Jenna and he's in my Geometry class. Sure, it makes me kind of sad. But something makes me even MORE sad.

As I said before, John doesn't think he'd be good in a relationship, so he's resorted to hookups only. So this came as a surprise to me. I don't think it's going to last though, he's going to have sex with her and then leave her. It's very sad, and sometimes I wonder why I even like someone like that. It's not like he's a manwhore though, he's just confused and thinks he's helping when he's hurting.

I just wonder how I can like someone who uses girls for sex. Why I'm even considering hooking up with him makes me hate myself. Because of Ksenia. Because of my morals and decision not to hook up for my first time. I just don't know.

Ksenia and I's party is Saturday. John will be there.

I just found out that my BEST FRIEND, Lia, can't come. I'm kind of pissed.

The past week.

So okay, I figured I needed to get some stuff out.

This is what happened:
On Tuesday after Writing Club, Ksenia and I were hanging as always. We were talking about how sad everyone is, and about John, etc. I almost told her about my feelings, but I didn't. I think she realized that I was holding something back. So I did end up telling her, later that night. I didn't get a text back, until early the next morning. All the while, I was freaking out, thinking she was mad at me. But when I heard back from her, she was okay with it. She said that no one can help who they like, and she's not surprised I like him, because he's amazing. It felt nice to hear, and a huge relief.
So yeah, now she knows. He doesn't know. But I was making the mix CDs that I make for my friends every year for the holidays, and I added on an extra song on the end of his. It's a song that I've always associated with him. It explains a lot of my inner feelings and concerns about this whole thing. I don't think he'll get where I'm going with it, he'll probably think it's on everyone else's CD, too. If he does realize that he's the only one who has it, he'll probably just think it's a mistake. Still, it feels good to have it out for him to hear.


23 - Jimmy Eat World

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

This is so awesome.

My brother showed me this video today. I thought it was really cool.

Folie A Deux

Amazing.

Candles.

Never underestimate the flame, a teardrop of fire, for it has seen many things. Heard many things. Every yellow-and-blue teardrop has a secret, hushed in its muted light. It dances madly about with its silent cries, melting little droplets of wax.
She's too drugged to misunderstand. Her fingers shake, long and white, like the candlesticks she tries to light. She gets one lit and suddenly her dazed, sluggish movements are too slow for him. He beckons her over.
He slips off the straps of her dress, one at a time. When the straps are securely off her shoulders, he fists the soft material and yanks it off, quicker this time.
"I love you," she whispers. She leans her body against his shoulder. He says nothing himself, but he pushes her back, away from him and onto the bed. He then pulls off his own pants and positions himself.
She squirms and writhes. She would scream, but his knife is there, inches from her face, clenched between his teeth. His eyes, pale blue, aren't as soft as they once were. They glare down at her in concentration, irises of liquid ice.
When he's finished with her, this lousy sack of skin and bones, he gets up and gets dressed. He sheaths the blade of his knife and puts it in the pocket of his Abercrombie jeans. His letter jacket safely on, he leaves her alone in the bed, bleeding and asleep.
"That's why you wouldn't fuck me," he smirks on his way out the door. "You're no good in bed."
The flame on the candle jumps erratically, screaming warnings into the room, empty except for a snoring figure in the bed and a promise ring dropped carelessly on the floor.

I told you, fire doesn't lie.







A/N: I really like this one, like I like all of my other really screwed up pieces. This is the first time I ever successfully wrote about rape though, and in such a form. Enjoy!

Adolescence.

So lets drink tonight
A toast to being young
A toast to growing up.
For sorrow and heartbreak is nothing
When sharing a flask of whiskey
With your two best friends.

The moon rises and it sets
Again and again and again
Until our bodies shrivel and die.
But tonight, we drink from the fountain of youth.
Not becoming immune to death,
But aware of it.

No worries of our changing bodies,
Or the boy down the hall.
It's either time to live,
Or it's time to fall.

Sad faces all around.

It seems like everyone is sad.
Ksenia is sad because Angelo is madly in love with her, but she loves John. And that hurts her, because there's no way she can be with John.
Alli is sad because she loves Angelo, but Angelo is in love with Ksenia, and has a whole album dedicated to her.
Kaela is having problems with Cecil...still. He's been an asshole to her ever since they started dating back in AUGUST.
Sarah and Mike are having problems...I don't know what's going on. She's upset one day but happy in his arms the next.
Ephraim likes me but to me he's just a friend. He recently got expelled.
John is sad about something. I don't know what.
And of course, I have my usual issues. Turning sixteen without having been kissed, feeling bad about Ephraim and Josh, liking John but not wanting to hurt Ksenia's feelings.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Damn. I wish things were happier times for everyone right now.

Writers Block (yay, livejournal!)

(for the record, I don't use el jay much anymore. Blogspot is so much better)

Some people spend their whole lives preparing the answer to this question: What albums are on your personal all-time Top 10 list?

Almost Here - The Academy Is...
Take This To Your Grave - Fall Out Boy
No More Sadface EP - Single File
Fast Times At Barrington High - The Academy Is...
The Con - Tegan & Sara
The Last Place You Look - Remember Maine
From Under The Cork Tree - Fall Out Boy
Underdog Alma Mater - Forever The Sickest Kids
Letters - Butch Walker
Put Up Or Shut Up EP - All Time Low


That was too hard!

Comet.

Sometimes, time passes slowly. A satellite inching its way accross the sky, making every head turn upward, wondering, is that a planet or just a web of galactic metal? Other times, it's a great comet streaking accross the great big dome of sky, upturned heads with "o"s for mouths forming "oohs" and "ahhs" at its blue flames.

The truth is, you're my comet. My great big ball of fire. Time with you passes too quickly, and soon you're going to disappear over the horizon. The minutes tick by as the day draws nearer. Caps and gowns. Graduation announcements. College. The big C-word. The word that literally translates to: "You're a big girl now. Move on." Move to one side of the country while he streaks to the other, a beautiful orb of light. My orb of light. Someone else's orb of light.

And so the day comes. The day where hearts split open with every name called. Then SILENCE. Oh, sweet silence. Scared silence. Angry silence. Hurt silence. It's the cap on the end of a bottle. It's the comet going over the horizon, onwards to please someone else in the world as if this never happened.

All because time moved too fast.

A toast to life.

Tonight, even though I'm by myself, feels special. I don't know why. I've already burnt the candle down to a pulp and have drank two small glasses of wine. I'm not planning on getting drunk tonight. I just feel like letting loose. Relaxing and just enjoying myself.

I think I'm going to watch Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas later, and finish up the piece that I'm writing that I started earlier. I'll post that tomorrow. The shul-in is tomorrow...it's going to be fun, but definitely not relaxing.


I've been dancing on the tops of buildings.
At the top of my lungs I'm singing you a song.
Don't you leave me alone.
My bones were shattered.
My pride lays shattered.
Well I'll trample my pride and tell the whole world.
To dance with me.

One month left of being 15.

It's cold. About 14 degrees and it's been snowing. Anyway, enough with the weather report...

So basically, things are looking up. I have high hopes for this coming year. Though life is still as confusing as usual, it's still somehow just amazing. It's the people I surround myself with, I think. I'm content.

Ksenia and I are having a joint birthday bash in about two weeks. For her sweet 18 and my sweet 16. Just a house party at her place. It's so weird that I'm going to be sixteen. I've been looking forward to being sixteen since I was really young, because that always seemed like the perfect age. Now I'm on the cusp. It's almost like when I turn 16, I'm going to be an adult, in a social sense, not a legal sense. It's so crazy. And I'm almost scared because of it, as silly as it sounds. I'm totally insane.

Sweet 16 and never been kissed. What a shame.