Things going through my head late one Sunday night.

Late nights. Facebook chats. Vodka and coke. Motion City Soundtrack. Weed. Checking behind the shower curtain before you pee late at night.
"But I just hate to say goodbye/To all the metaphors and lies/That have taken me years to come up with."
Really genuinely caring about someone.
"Our hell ends every weekend/But it's all I have to believe in."
Losing track of time, but we don't care.
More vodka and coke.
Slow down, partner.
I'm not drunk.
Increasing awareness of everything around me.
"Alright, is there anyone out there at all?"
I'm a wallflower -- can you feel it?
Alone but not so alone.
Making new friends.
"Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong."
Enjoying each other's company, that's what matters most.
Drinking alone, how sad. But not so sad. Maybe it's better that way.
Early morning ahead.
Goodnight.

kindness.

Every kind action, every pebble dropped into the sea, is capable of creating a tidal wave colossal enough to span every ocean in the world, traveling as fast as the mind can comprehend before it hits the shore with a soft splash. It's massive crest collapses into a foamy abyss as the water grows shallower and shallower. "Shhh," it sighs. It stretches its toes out towards the dry land, but the land pushes it away. It retreats silently, back to the deep waters that welcome it back to the depths of it's vulnerable, watery heart.

This is little tidbit is dedicated to the woman at Starbucks who cared enough to strike up a conversation and asked if 2% milk was okay. I only wish I had taken the time from my busy lifestyle to learn her name.


--
I've been trying to write this ever since it happened on Wednesday. I wasn't quite sure how to put it in words, and like usual, it came to me a few days after the fact. But yeah, I'm happy with this. I really am. Mostly though, I'm happy that I wrote it. Writing a bit of prose/poetry/whatever you want to call it about the woman who made my macchiato when I ditched gym on Wednesday is either extremely pathetic or absolutely genius. I'm hoping it leans towards the latter. There are very few people so kind out there these days, even if all she did was strike up a conversation and ask me how I wanted my coffee. The simplicity of it caught me off guard. I may have to ditch class again sometime just to go get coffee and see her.

Lia and I went to see The Haunting In Connecticut this evening. It was really good, I reccomend you see it. It was jumpy and I got kind of freaked out, but I still found it fascinating. The whole Jonah thing, and Matt being a medium...wow. I totally just spoiled it. But anyway, I was impressed.
Laterrr

prima donna.

I'm not in a happy place right now. Kaela and I are fighting. Well, actually, she's fighting, I'm being a submissive pacifist and kissing her ass in hopes she'll forgive me. It's not working. Plans for tonight fell through, I need to get out of this house.

On a better note, we've had a blizzard these past two days. A big one. It's resulted in my spring break starting a few days early, only I've done basically nothing because nobody is around.

You're always counted on to strike the iron while it's hot. Show off your burn and run from the paramedics, nobody minds. I didn't. The makeup may create a pretty face but you're the prima donna of us all. The boys will break their necks to pull the curtains for you but you're never there. You're pushing your car closer to the edge of a cliff, leaving it for dead. Breaking hearts and twisting smiles, that's what you do best.

So The Academy Is... is in my city right now.

And I'm not there. Sadface. Okay, technically, just Sisky and William, but whatever. They played down in Colorado Springs last night. Brittany called me during Rumored Nights and I basically died. It was wonderful. Oh, and William also dedicated Down and Out to her. By name. I'm so totally jealous you don't even know. That's arguably my favorite song by them, ever.

I'm also being kicked in the ass by this history essay. Hard. I had to write a freewrite, which is basically me just talking to myself on paper about my topic (whaaat? My teacher is weird.). It's supposed to be about a page and a half double spaced. Mine ended up being 3 1/2 pages long. I've shortened it to about 3 pages. I have no idea how to make it shorter. fmlfmlfml

My life is like a spiral staircase
Twisting higher than I can see
Flat planes and narrow lines intersect
A geometric masterpiece only I can climb
I fly up the staircase
My footsteps a steady pulse
I am so urgent in reaching the sky
That when I finally behold the brilliant blue dome
I am too exhausted to care.

I wrote that earlier...I'm kind of blehh about the ending, I think it could use more, but I decided to keep it that way anyway. We've started reading The Catcher In The Rye in English, and I guess Holden's personality has kind of rubbed off on me. I don't want to change the original draft because then it would not be honest and raw, and it would be "phony." I may end up changing it later when this mindset wears off. But for now we'll see how it goes.

Regretting?

Oh, and about my wish at the Vistas, whether I'd regret liking him or not.

No, I still don't regret liking him. There is no hard feelings nor do I want to go under my covers and cry. I regret letting what he did to me happen, but I don't think it's his fault. He's a good guy deep down, but he makes a lot of mistakes and just isn't the type of person I want to be with.

Just clearing it up. Not for anyone who reads my stupid emo rants about my personal life on here, but mostly for myself. I need to think things through by putting it in words sometimes, and blogging is the easiest way to do it, hence my long, emo rants.

I am not in love, this is not my heart...

Alright well I think I'm finally done with John. After a million relapses, I think I finally came to my senses. He's nice and everything but definitely not the type of person I'd like to be with. I'm done with torturing myself and all that crap. From here on, there's no more sadface.

I have a couple more interests, but for the time being they're nothing more than that--interests. I'm cool with that. In fact, I like it better than being dragged down by one boy who isn't even worth my time. :) Sure I liked John a lot but he has made me into someone who I don't want to be. He drained out the free spirit in me and now that I'm over him I feel totally rejuvenated, as cheesy as that sounds.

I'm not gonna waste these words about a boy.

Oh, I'm ready for it. Come on, bring it.

Today was a gooood day.
Kanye West. Subarus. Punch bug. The Catcher In The Rye. Wonderwall. Gargoyles, monkeys, and squirrels. Lauren. CSI. Cake. Beer. Fire.


Yes, I did indeed bake a cake that turned out pretty damn good, thank you very much. I'm not a total failure at anything domestic.
...I did, however, burn myself trying to take it out of the oven.
It's another Friday night wasted on facebook. However, Most Haunted is on in six minutes, and they're investigating the S.S. Great Britain. I'm excited, as usual. I love that show.


I tried writing another poem but it kind of didn't work. I'll sleep on it.
Laterrr

Pinwheel.

Life goes by like the turn of a pinwheel planted firmly at the foot of an ancient, crumbling tombstone. It's bright blades spin around and around; a fuchsia blur that twirls surely, despite it's weather-beaten limbs. The grass grows high and surrounds it, menacing. But the rain-rusted and sun-crisped pinwheel does not falter. The tiny pink rose of vitality, a tribute to a life lost and forgotten, spins on and on, whispering in the wind, "I'm here! I'm here!"

--

The first thing I've written in about a week. I'm very happy with it.
It was written to be read softly, with the words in quotes just a breathy whisper. But most people don't read that way. I'm not quite sure where I was trying to go with it, like a majority of what I write. It started out as a life-is-short kind of thing, but it ended up as a make-your-mark kind of thing with some life-is-short mixed in. But anyway, I'm pretty happy with this. It's short, like a lot of things I tend to write.

Life is good. :)

One year.

It's been one year since the death of my grandpa. Leading up to this day, I thought I'd be a complete mess on this anniversary. But today was, well, the complete opposite. I felt really happy today, and I think it was because of my grandpa. He inspired me to make my life count and to enjoy the ride, and today was really one of those kinds of great days. The only issue I had was that it was a little cold and a little cloudy. The sky wasn't blue and clear like it was yesterday, and as you'll read on, you'll understand the significance of that. Hopefully though, tomorrow will be just as beautiful. Hopefully, it will be as beautiful as his life was.

Here is an entry from my old blog, written two weeks after his death. I'll repost it here.




My grandfather died, two weeks ago tomorrow, at 8:45 AM.
He was sick for a long time, and we knew it would happen. I knew the second I saw my parents what had happened. But it was still hard, it still is. I didn't bawl nonstop for days, I still cry a little every other day, occasionally more than once a day.

The funeral was hard, it was all I could do to not jump up and run out of the room during the service. But the small service at the cemetery was the worst part.

The worst part was watching the two air force officers folding the flag that was over his casket and giving it to my grandma. That was probably the hardest thing for me to watch, ever. At first, I didn't understand what they were doing. But when the officer knelt down in front of my grandma and handing the flag to her, in a moment of utter silence...it was absolutely unbearable. I had seen that being done in movies, at the funerals of the young and brave killed at war. I had never actually experienced that. My grandpa was not young or killed at war, but it was brave. He served in the United States Air Force during the Korean War.

It also hurt having to leave, because the service was at a memorial thing in the cemetery and I never got to see him buried. As I was leaving, the hearse drove away and my grandpa's casket getting put into an ugly white truck-like thing to take him to the grave site. That hurt so much, he deserved better than to be taken to his grave in an ugly white truck that didn't even look like anything but some white metal sheets on wheels.

My grandpa was a strong hearted man, a bit strict and stubborn at times, a man with a sense of humor and a knack for making friends. He was dedicated to everything he did. He had such a strong will to live, he held on for as long as he could. My mother said he held on for one of his sisters, who was driving to town from Nebraska. His other sister was with him when he died, my mom says that he had mistaken her for his sister from Nebraska and decided to finally let go. He died on a Tuesday, and I saw him the Sunday before. The last words I ever said to him was, "I'll see you later, Grandpa." The next time I saw him he was in a casket.

People say that there is a lot of him that lives on in me. And I'm clinging to that like it's a piece of driftwood keeping me from drowning.

I will always remember is the sound of his laugh. The way the sky looked, all big and blue, the day he died. Even though the weathermen had predicted snow and had been for weeks, spring suddenly came the day that my grandpa left this world. And I firmly believe that he was the one who made the sky like that.

Rest in peace, Grandpa. I love you.

In sweet ecstasy while the ages roll
Will you meet in Heaven someday?

Fuckkk

I like him again.
I never know how much I'll miss him until he's gone.

John ran away from home again. Actually, he claims he was kicked out, but I don't think that's the case because it wasn't the last time. The last time being back in November, when I first realized that I like him. After we had a long conversation about it. I found out about it at Writing Club today from William. I come in and ask where John is. William says that John was "gone." I'm like, wtf does that mean? I tell Ksenia. She calls Lauren, goes to her friend Saul's, and John is there. Ksenia calls me to tell me. He's living there and just didn't come to school because he's lazy, but he'll be at school tomorrow.

Geez, I can't believe I like him again. This is so frustrating, especially now that I went through a completely independent period. I thought I was done with this whole thing.


I had an idea for a poem. I never got around to writing it.

pictures of you.

So I've had tremendous writers block these past few days. It's killing me. I try to write something and it starts out decent, but then it quickly spirals into crap. I'm thinking it's because I'm stressed. I've been so busy this week, I have a ton of makeup work from a few weeks ago left, and I have a huge History essay due at the end of April.

Argh. Some new inspiration this week, maybe? I hope so.

q&a

I was bored, so let's watch me ask myself questions!

Q&A

Q: What are you thinking about right now?
A: I wish there was some sort of coffee shop within walking distance of my house where I can be all hipster and write. As amazing as My Favorite Muffin is, it just won't do. I can't be hipster in a muffin shop.

Q: Why do you obsess over Edgar Allen Poe?
A: I don't really know, I guess it has something to do with my love for grim, disturbed things. All of Poe's work, even his love poems, has that quality to it. I can't really explain it, it's just awesome. I've always aspired to write like him.

Q: Qdoba or Chipotle?
A: Chipotle all the way, even though I can barely afford it.

Q: Myspace or facebook?
A: I used to perfer facebook, but because of this ridiculous layout change, I perfer myspace now.

Q: Do you have a crush on any authors?
A: I dig Jack Keroac. He'd be a cool guy to date. Though the fact that he had three wives before he died must say something about him.

Q: What is your favorite fruit?
A: Lately I haven't been able to get enough of anything pomegranate. So probably that. And raspberries.

Q: Have you ever kissed a girl and liked it?
A: I've never kissed a girl, but I'll let you know if I like it or not if I ever do.

Q: Did you ever believe boys have cooties?
A: I still do.

Q: What bands do you listen to?
A: A lot. My favorite hands down would be The Academy Is...; Tegan & Sara, The Beatles, Butch Walker, Bob Dylan, and Jack's Mannequin are runners up. I also love local music--I strongly suggest you check out Single File, Kill Paradise, Saving Verona, and The Chain Gang of 1974.

Also, someone please explain to me how to put a period after "The Academy Is..."(.) Do you just add it on to the end of the three periods, or do you just leave it at the three periods? I spent a good five minutes trying to figure this out before finally settling on a semicolon.

Q: Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
A: It's on my to-do list.

Q: Which is your dominant hand?
A: I've got that lefty curse (where everything I do is flipped and awkwardly reversed)

Q: Doing anything over Spring Break?
A: Babysitting. Going to the mountains. That's basically it, as far as I know.

Q: You're always making Harry Potter references. Who's your favorite character?
A: Well, I have two...Fred & George. I love them.

Q: What's in your CD player right now?
A: Forever The Sickest Kids' Underdog Alma Mater never leaves my CD player.

Q: What do you think of 2009 so far?
A: So far it's been kind of ehhh. So far I've gotten epically sick twice (and I used to never get sick), and all the energy I have has been completely drained out of me. I hope things pick up because I'm tired of it all being blah. But I think it will. :)

Ain't a thing

So yeah, it's kind of cold.
My little widget says it's only 44 degrees, which is bull, because if it was really that warm I'd be sunbathing right now.

The euphoric single-ness thing failed. Of course it did. But whatever. I blame Tyler Hilton, the king of love songs in my opinion, for killing the optimistic mood. He's so adorable though.

rawr.

Ksenia had a hookah party today when her mom wasn't home. I went and smoked some hookah for the first time. It was really cool and I like it.

I think I'm finally getting over John. Not totally, but I think I'm crushing on him much less. I knew we wouldn't be totally compatible, but I think it finally settled in. At the hookah party today he was all over Ksenia, which made me kind of sad (even though I'm happy for her), which is why I think I still like him, but something just told me that we were better off as friends. It may have just been the hookah, because even though it doesn't give you a high, it gives you a bit of a buzz. So idk. But even now, four hours later, I feel the same. It sunk in a lot at the party.

Sure it makes life even more boring not liking anyone, but it also gives me a feeling of independance that I really like and haven't felt in a long time. Like I don't need a boy to keep me happy and inspired. John and I were never exactly on the same wavelength, so it's not like I'm missing much. Actually, it's almost for the better. A few weeks ago, I went to the mall with Claire and we were out at the Vistas. It was nighttime and the sky was clear and beautiful. We threw pebbles into the stream. I'm going to tell you my wish, hopefully I won't jinx it (knock on wood) but I wished that I wouldn't regret liking John. And so there it is, I don't regret it. No hard feelings. No heartbreak whatsoever. I still reguard him highly and he's still a good friend. It was special while it lasted and now it's finally relieving me of its burden, not that John was ever a burden. But you get what I mean. At the moment I'm happy with a friendship and that's good enough for me.

So yeah, there's my optimistic thought for the day. Haha. Wait until it all comes crashing down when I see Claire and Corey together--now that's a couple that makes me feel so incredibly single.

The Man In The Blue Suit

I feel like I'm sixteen years old and stuck in the Department of Motor Vehicles for four hours before failing my driving test. Indeed, this place is that kind of hell. Only I'm not sixteen, but nearing thirty and pressed up against the back wall of the unemployment office, soaked from the rain and extremely uncomfortable.
The place is crowded, thanks to our failing economy--each chair is filled people whose large, beady eyes reflect disappointment and worry. Their depression is like a disease, and after a while I feel my eyes grow heavy. I wonder if they see me as sad and lonely too.
The rain drops down like bullets outside of the huge glass windows. On any sunny weekday, as the corporate crowd takes their lunch and strolls down the street, they peek through these windows with nervous glances. You know the reason why they quickly look away with a flush is not because they believe it's rude to stare.
I slide down onto the floor amidst my wet jacket, my back against the wall as I wait for my number to be called. Head back, chin up, eyes closed. Breathe. Again.
"I am relaxed," I mutter mid-breath. This has become my mantra of late. Ever since my boss decided to lay me off, regardless of how many buttons on my blouse I had dropped at his command, thinking it secured my job. So wrong. Shit. I'm getting stressed again. Inhale. Exhale. "I am relaxed."
"You don't look very relaxed, if you ask me," a voice chuckles. My eyes fly open as I glare up at the stranger who interrupted my meditation.
"Well I am," I say curtly and lean my head back again. Lie.
"You must be really good at that meditation stuff then, because it's near impossible to relax in this place. That woman with the screaming baby--God, the kid's giving me a headache." I'm about to say something smart and go back to my breathing, but I give up because I know the guy will interrupt again and it was kind of a wasted effort anyway. The guy sits down next to me. I notice he's about my age and much drier than I am; his navy suit and loosened tie seem freshly dry cleaned. He's a good looking guy, but something is wrong about him. No, not wrong--just different from everyone else in the room. There's some odd vivacity in his demeanor that is ironic for someone filing for unemployment. The punchline of some untold joke plays behind his lips.
"I thought I was the only one bothered by that," I answer after a prolonged pause.
"Nope, I can tell everyone else here is too, but they're biting their tongue. Madea over there is debating on whether she should say something," he winks at the masculine-looking black woman with glasses sitting behind the counter. Sure enough, behind the glaze over her eyeballs, there's some kind of muted irritation. I chuckle at her expression and turn back to the stranger. He's sitting closer to me than I had realized, and my heart picks up speed. I bite my lip before I continue.
"I bet you're right."
"Now that lady over there," he says and points to a nervous looking woman wearing large, gaudy earrings in the shape of an umbrella and a drop of rain. "Ex-elementary school teacher. Emotional wreck. Enochlophobic."
"How do you know?"
"Look at the way her eyes dart around. See her hands--the palms are sweaty. And her outfit, well, that speaks for itself," he says with a low chuckle that takes me by surprise.
"You read people very well," I remark. He laughs again.
"Yeah, I guess I do. People can pretend to be anything they want. A lot of people pretend to be happy, confident, or successful. More than you'd expect. I just see them for who they really are." He gives me this look as if he's studying me. I feel naked, vulnerable in the presence of someone who can see through any front. His face suddenly breaks into a huge smile that lit up the entire room. He stands up and shakes out his slacks.
"See ya," he says without warning, and strides away. I stare after him, dumbstruck, and head over heels in love with this stranger.

--

So I started this last night and finished it a few minutes ago. I know it's kind of a weird setting for a romance, but I figured it was very relevant and had potential to be cute. I have no idea if I succeeded. The dialogue was kind of tough to write, I didn't want it to be too long and I wanted to capture the instant chemistry between the stranger and our protagonist, because if there's no chemistry there's no story. The whole idea of instant love has been something I thought about since I listened to James Blunt's song, "You're Beautiful." The song is crap, but the lyrics always intrigued me.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

Basically, James Blunt is high and on a subway, sees this chick and falls in love. I think it's just the pot. I'm pretty sure it's not possible to fall in love with someone at one glance. But that's what this short story revolves around--instantly falling in love with a person after a short conversation. As much as I think it's impossible, it's still sweet.

I AM SO ADDICTED TO THIS GAME.

Trippy Ski Runner

The object of the game is to get as many pills as possible without hitting the trees, rocks, or random ancient ruins (no idea why they're there.) The trick is, if you get enough pills, it goes into major trippy mode and there are flashing colors and random stuff flying everywhere...that won't kill you, but it makes it difficult to see the rocks and trees.
It's so much fun, give it a go. :)

Burn.

The glowing speck of ember falls to the floor. I step on it to put it out, and it scorches the sole of my bare foot. The incense -- a seductive rose -- burns a brilliant orange before crumbling away like ash. Touch it, it burns. The most extraordinary sensation of living. Most find it an unpleasant feeling, but to me, it is revitalizing. Love and sorrow cloud the perception of senses, but the privilege of pain, baking flesh within a thousand roman candles, is the closest one can get to life.

--
I've been killing myself by not writing every day, which has subsequently put me in a massive stroke of writer's block. Finally, I wrote this short piece a few minutes ago, surrounded by lots of candles and incense. You can sense the personality of a writer just by observing their style. I've noticed I've written a lot about fire, which I guess means I'm a closet masochist/pyrotechnic. Haha. But I really like the idea that I captured in this -- about pain being the essence of life. I think I'm going to expand on it more. It was basically inspired by something Criss Angel said in an episode long ago, I can't find the actual quote online. It kind of stuck with me.

So yeah, there you go. Enjoy!

I've been home sick with walking pneumonia for two days. Luckily, I'm on antibiotics now so I should be okay to go to school tomorrow...hopefully.

Someone showed me this video a few days ago...I think it's really cool.

I'm so in love with this song.

I love Taylor Swift's music/lyrics ohmygoodness. Fearless is totally the album of my life right now. Kind of wish I was still 15, but I'm not THAT much older, so it still applies. :)


Fifteen

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
You say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's way
It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
You know I haven't seen you around, before

(Chorus)
'Cause when you're fifteen and
Somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen feeling like
There's nothing to figure out
But count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know
Who you're gonna be
Fifteen

You sit in a class next to a redheaded Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughing at the others girls
Who think they're so cool
We'll be out of here as soon as we can
And then you're on you're very first date
And he's got a car and you're feeling like flying
And you're mamma's waiting up and you're thinking he's the one
And you're dancing 'round your room when the night ends
When the night ends

(Chorus)
'Cause when you're fifteen and
Somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes you head spin 'round but
In your life you'll do things greater
Than dating the boy on the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen

When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna
Marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind
And we both cried

(Chorus)
'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be
At fifteen

la la la la la...la la la la la...la la la la la

Your very first day
Take a deep breath girl
Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors

OMG!

So everybody knows about my obsession with Johnny Depp and all of his splendid glory. That's no surprise.
Next year he's going to be releasing a new movie with Tim Burton, a live-action version of Alice in Wonderland. Depp is playing the Mad Hatter.

So in November a picture of Depp in costume was released. He's scary as hell, that's for sure, but I can't help but feel uber excited and the need to throw myself upon him asap. I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS MOVIE! March 5th 2010<3

Happy March

So Rush was last night/this morning. Holy shit so much fun but I'm so sore.

First, the high school youth groupers went around and kidnapped the 8th graders at their houses. I went with David and Mama C (David's mother -- she's so rad) to kidnap three girls. We rocked to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and Motion City Soundtrack, among others.

After, we went to Xtreme Challenge, which is this American Gladiators place. It was crazyyy fun but painful. Talia and I were human wrecking balls haha it was great. Then we went back to temple for Havdallah which was amazing as usual. After we played laptag and watched Zoolander. Finally, this morning we decided to go to bed and slept on the floor for a few hours. I'm so crazy sore.

As tired as I am, I feel like this week is going to be a really good one. I really hope it is. It's the first week of March, which means spring is almost here. It better not snow anytime soon....