Winter Passing.

Its winter again, a white washed and frozen sky…
I came to the door, eyes maladjusted from the light,
but your voice rang clear.

You said, “For all I thought I’d ever need,
its hard to face the holidays without.”
Well I’ve left my last message on your machine
Its hard to face the holidays when you’re looking for the words to say.

So you’ve found a friend. You spend all your cold nights with him,
but if i was there, then I’d wonder why you still wear my jacket closed
with traces of my scent.

I’d say, “For all I thought I’d ever need,
its hard to face the holidays without.”
Well I’ve left my last message on your machine
Its hard to face the holidays when you’re looking for the words to say.

So stay with me here.
Nose to nose, cold enough to see as our breath slowly escapes and exchanges
from my lungs to yours, from your mouth to mine.

For all I thought I’d ever need,
its hard to face the holidays without.
Well I’ve left my last message on your machine
it’s hard to face the holidays when you’re looking for the words to say.

When you’re looking for the words to say.

- The Academy Is...

Thankful.

There are so many things I'm thankful for in my life, I cannot even express it. Friends, family, and even my enemies, for giving me determination and strength. And then there are the materialistic things: books, music, movies. I'm thankful for being blessed with almost sixteen years (and still counting!) of life. The mountains, the pool. I'm thankful to have a stable financial situation (well, my family anyway. A broke teenager isn't quite stable, but it's typical. Haha.)

I feel the need to state the names of people who have been the most influential in my life in recent years (this list is nowhere near complete):
Lia Peulen
Ksenia Kelpitsakaya
Kaela Baker
John Hattier
Olivia Martins
Megan Church
Julie Sadino
Hilary Wermers
Ms. Lesley Phillips
Ms. Loreen Hughes
Ms. Leslie Titheridge
Pete Wentz, Patrick Stump, Joe Trohman, Andy Hurley
William Beckett, Adam Siska, Mike Carden, Michael Guy Chislett, Andrew Mrotek
Diane Graham
Jim Graham
Scott Noel
Coach Chris Kroeger
Coach Ryan McLean

And many, many others. This list is nothing compared to the amount of people who have truly touched me.

So basically, I'll summarize:

I am so, so grateful to everyone who I have ever known and not known. People who have had an impact, positive or negative, on me because it's because of you that I am who I am today. Thank you so much.

Relaxation and realization.

Alright, details, details. So John sent out a mass text about 3 hours ago saying that he wasn't coming back from New Orleans (he flew down there this weekend to spend the week with his family for Thanksgiving -- he's supposed to come back Monday) because his parents didn't want him to live with them anymore. I was freaking out, thinking I was out of time. Thinking that I'd never see him again. I didn't like that, I didn't like it more than I should have.

So I was texting him for almost two hours afterwards, trying to calm him down. I told him that his parents were probably just upset and needed to cool down. That my parents have threatened to kick me out but they never have, so he shouldn't worry about it. So now, I know he's still nervous and pissed about the whole thing, but at least he has some hope.

And you know what I realized tonight?

I have a crush on John Ben Hattier.

Well, any chance that I had at all is down the toilet.

Not that there was much of a chance anyway.

John is moving to New Orleans and finishing his high school education there. I'm stunned, honestly.
More on the subject later.

We're all waiting for our faerie tale.

Life goes on like the turn of a wheel. There are bumps in the road, but we can never pass them if we don't push forward.

I keep thinking about how time is running out with John. He's graduating this year, and I'm staying here. I'm still confused about my feelings, but you know, as much as it goes against what I stand for, I may not mind a hookup with him. Kind of a bittersweet goodbye. But then again, I'll be seeing him occasionally because I don't think he's going anywhere far. So the romanticism involved with that whole prospect is moot. And even if it wasn't, I still probably wouldn't, because Ksenia is still so in love with him. I have to resist.

It would be nice though, for someone who I have feelings for to have feelings for me in return. I'm so sick of having to turn down unrequited lovers...this year has been so crazy. No one, NO ONE has ever had a crush on me before. In the last 3 or 4 months, I've gotten two. Absolutely nuts. I'm flattered, I truly am. The fact that anyone could even like me like that is just so weird. But I just can't return the feelings for either. I wish I could, but I can't. I feel so horrible because I know how it is on the other side of the spectrum, but I just can't. And I can't help that, so why am I still worrying about it? I don't even know.

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

So I think I finally figured out the appeal of the Twilight series: every girl is looking for that one person out there, and when the going gets tough like it often does with teenagers, Edward Cullen is their light at the end of the tunnel.

Though he's merely fictional, the idea of a perfect boy falling in love with a flawed girl is what we all want. We see ourselves as imperfect and not beautiful. We hang on to the shred of hope that maybe the perfect guy would fall for us, with all of ou imperfections. And that's why everyone loves Twilight. Most girls will say because of Edward's gorgeousness, and that's absolutely correct. They want to have someone who they find that beautiful fall in love with them, even if they don't consiously realize it.

That's my two cents. Just an idea. Goodnight.

"John makes my pants vibrate, I hope that's okay with you!"

I had an amazing night. Writing club (minus John...sadface) went downtown to 16th street and to the Tattered Cover, which is this absolutely amazing bookstore. Ksenia and I basically sat and discussed books and art and writing, which is always amazing. I texted John for a little bit but then he kind of disappeared like he does haha.

The sad thing is, John thinks he wouldn't be a good boyfriend, and that's why he won't be in a relationship with anyone. He's so sweet and nice, I don't see why he would feel that way. But I guess he does. That's very sad, because even though I do like him, a little bit anyway, he and Ksenia would be so adorable together.

After Tattered Cover, we walked around 16th street a little. Then we took the lightrail home and Ksenia and I walked to my house. We walked to the park and just chilled there looking at the sky for a while. Then we went back to my house and Ksenia went home. Now I'm here.

I have a theory - Ephraim is a virgin. I'm a virgin. Ephraim is more insecure about it than I am. My theory is that he doesn't actually have a crush on me, he just wants to get laid. Since I'm a virgin, he thinks I'm just dying for an oppertunity to have sex, which is wrong. So he thinks I'm an easy target.

It's a more likely explanation than him actually liking me.

The whole John situation, I'm still figuring it out. I do have some attraction to him, but I'm still not sure if it's a crush yet. Anyway, I guess I won't have to worry about the whole hooking up thing. It's a possibility, maybe. But again, I don't want to just hook up. Not for my first kiss and everything. I'm still kind of confused, but it's all getting clearer as time goes on, and it hopefully will continue to do so.

Sometimes I wonder if I take everything too seriously. I should just go with the flow, and whatever happens, happens. But it's harder than it sounds. I feel the need to figure this all out so the stress can go away. But that's not going to happen, so why worry? I'm trying not to, but I'm finding it difficult.

Tomorrow should be interesting. Going to interview people at the semifinals for the football team.

I think I just need someone to text me tonight and keep me preoccupied. I'm still hoping.

Goodnight.

More letters.

Dear Ksenia,
I love you. You're such a good friend, and you make me feel like I'm important. It's not often that a senior does that for a sophomore. Today you told me you're in love with John...that's really sweet. Even though I kind of like him, it's still not enough to feel hurt about it. I'd never get in the way of you two, even though you say that you have no chance together because of shit that went down last year. Even though you don't know about my slight attraction to him, it's not really important, because it's nothing major. Smile, girl. You're in love, don't feel sad. :)
Love,
Sarah

Dear Craig Scott,
Thank you for speaking at Creek today. You have no idea the impact it made on me. You heard the gunshot that killed your sister. You saw many people die, and you were close to being killed yourself. Yet you can speak about the tragedy and not even tear up, you're even able to add humor to it. That's really inspiring. I hope your sister, Isaiah, Matt, and everyone else who died that day rest in peace. I remember that day, not well, but I do remember it. I was 6 years old and still kind of confused about everything that was going on, but I do remember the day they died, and I always will. Thank you again.
Love,
Sarah

Letter to Ephraim.

Dear Ephraim,
Kaela told me that you like me. I pretty much guessed it. I can tell you're hurt, and I'm sorry. I truly am. But now you know how I feel. I'm not interested in anything more than a friendship with you, Ephraim. You're a very sweet guy (even if you can be an idiot) and I had fun Saturday night with you. I just can't be your girlfriend, or anything of that sort. I don't have any romantic feelings for you at all, and I'm not going to put myself in a relationship where I can't feel anything back for that person. Please don't distort me being friendly as flirting, you know it's wrong. Stop kidding yourself kid. Don't be another Josh. I'm absolutely flattered that you feel this way about me, more flattered than you can imagine. I can't believe that anyone could even have a crush on me, and I have no clue why. But you do.

Hopefully, we can fix things. I think we can. I really do think you're a great friend and I hope we can continue to be.

Sincerely,
Sarah

Fuck all this.

I'm just done caring right now. I'm spending all this time freaking out because I can't see the future anymore. I need to get out, by myself. But I don't know where to go. I just can't deal. I need a clear head. I want to take a long walk to the library, but it's not open yet. I'm just so confused and scared as fuck for this year. I thought I was going to be stuck alone romantically my entire sophomore year, which I most likely still will, but it's going to be even more torturous than it would be if nobody had a crush on me.

I'm getting out. Separating myself from the world for a few hours.

A walk.

Through the brisk air, weaving through the trees draped with festive holiday lights and around fountains streaming with cool snow-water, we walk. We don't touch. We don't smile. We don't speak. We just walk. The planes of your face are silhouetted by the dim glow of the moon as your features pinch together in concentration. The anticipation is killing me, biting a bloody hole in my lip. It's just him and me, me and him. The snow. The lights. The bloody hole in my lower lip. Who knew the light at the end of the tunnel could be nothing but a trainwreck waiting to happen? The youngsters throwing themselves at any opportunity to love, to be loved, only to be mutilated and left for dead in the end. We think that we are happy, yet it's a facade. An act. And we end up bleeding when things don't work out. Yet, if only we had to step back for a minute, examine the moment through the lense of a camera, we would see that we thought too fast. And now, we pay. We wait for those biting words that reject us for being too clingy or too desperate. All because we convinced ourselves that we were in love. The perfect couple, together because the public found it necessary and took pleasure from the sight of our held hands, our passionate kisses.We never thought to consider the consequences, and here we walk, silent and stone-cold, wondering if we had made a mistake.

game of hearts.

So I think I may have some kind of direction of where I'm going. Maybe. I'm still as confused and lost as ever, but I may be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if that is the light I'm seeing, it's most likely a trainwreck waiting to happen.

So tonight while hanging out with Ephraim at the mall and walking with him through the lights and in the cold made me realize something. It was random and has nothing to do with Ephraim. But I realized that I really do like John. Not quite a crush quite yet, but there's definitely some interest there. More interest than with anyone else, I think.

I'd like to kiss him. See how it feels. But I'm kind of weary about a relationship. He's a senior; I'm a sophomore. I promised myself in 8th grade that I wouldn't date anyone more than a year older than me, because of the whole graduation thing. But back then, I didn't have so many older friends. The thing is, that's kind of hypocritical. I don't want to hook up with someone without having a relationship, especially for my first time. This is where I'm lost.

But I shouldn't worry about it too much. Even though John and I are friends, it's not like we have a chance at anything anyway. He's too good for me, plus he has no interest in me as anything more, as far as I'm aware.

So anyway, I'm still confused and lost about what I want out of this whole thing. High school is so confusing.

I am standing in the ocean rain
Rough and ready
For your deadly game
I've got nowhere else to go

<3

You said, “For all I thought I’d ever need,
its hard to face the holidays without.”
Well I’ve left my last message on your machine
Its hard to face the holidays when you’re looking for the words to say.


Goodnight.

The release.

The release
Knowing, finally knowing
How it feels to be in love
We swallow all our downy thoughts
between the sheets
And the plush pillows under our heads
are nothing more than a burden

Another perfectly cliche poem
About the life we wish to lead
All we want is someone.
Someone who cares.
Someone who listens.
What we want is security.
Sex.
Satisfaction.

So here we are, drowning in our own greed and self-inflicted despair
Impatient, restless
The thinkers shape heartbreak and lovesickness
Into words
Words that fill the blogs of the brokenhearted
Like there is no hope.
No hope whatsoever.
But we never stop to realize
That those with patience are rewarded
With the greatest prize of all.

Letters to Josh.

When we met we were just thirteen
Shy and outgoing meeting somewhere in between.
Instantly becoming best friends,
And that way we would stay
Until I broke your heart one day.

Our friendship seemed unbreakable
Our bond was as good as ever
Until the day you fell in love,
And on that day I turned away from forever.

Don't think that this comes easy
That I'm just another coldhearted girl.
Just know that I don't like this either
Because hurting you hurts me.

There's another girl out there
Who will treat you better than I.
So forget about me loverboy
And don't you dare cry.

Go Barack!

I'm starting to cry now, not gonna lie.
It's so amazing how we're here to witness history being made. Our children and grandchildren will be reading about this election in history books, and we can say that we were there. That we took a part of the election of the first black president. It's amazing.

No more yes, we can.
More like yes, we did.
Thank you.