Mathematics.

1,036,800 minutes since our first meeting.
259, 200 minutes since the fateful realization.
24,480 minutes until the hopeless valediction.

108 cups of coffee drank.
5 million words written.
3 thousand tears I've cried.
And one person, smitten.

Pomp and Circumstance may play as you walk away, but there's one thing you should know: I will miss you when you sacrifice yourself for all the places you'll go.

another letter that will never be sent.

Dear Talia,
So we have been friends for years. I've always enjoyed your company--well, usually. You have always been the overachiever who had everything that I didn't. You have top grades, get into the best choirs, have the greatest relationship with your parents and you are always so damn nice to people who don't deserve it. I know you've had your insecurities but those insecurities should not cause you to want to be the master of the universe.
See, I don't get the best grades. I'm not dumb but I've never been academically gifted. I can't sing worth a damn, even though I always wished I could because everyone loves a girl who could sing. My relationship with my mom is less than satisfactory. I'm nice but not so nice where the people who don't deserve my kindness reap the benefits those who deserve it. There is a dividing line there, as there is one between everything about us.
TSYG and NFTY has always been my thing. It's been a stress reliever and has made me feel like a person that could be looked up to. TSYG board was my life. It kept me happy and strong when life was shitty. I breathed it in like air. It was the one thing I had above you, and though I never saw it as a heirarchy, it honestly was the good thing I could excel at more than you could. Or so I thought. You see, this past Sunday was Board elections for the 2009-2010 year. You against me. Inexperienced against experienced. I had the dedication and the good speech. You had the waterworks and pitiful eyes. You won.
I was absolutely heartbroken. I cried the hardest I've cried since my dog died. You took my pride and joy away from me, all because of a pity win. And the reason why you wanted to be on Board so bad wasn't because you wanted the best for TSYG. No, it was a much more shallow reason. It was because you wanted to be LIKED. Well guess what honey, Board or not, everyone loved you. Perfect, sweet Talia who did nothing wrong and who never stepped on anyone's toes. Yet you wanted the sole thing I had to hold onto and you got it.
I wish I could look at you the same way after Sunday. But I really can't, at least not now. I'm working on getting over my self-pity but it's hard to see someone so unqualified completely ruin what I loved in such a greedy way.
I may be unjust in feeling this way, but I truly don't think I am.
Love?,
Me

I began the novel today.

Well, actually, I began it a while ago. I wrote the preface a few weeks ago but polished it up. I also wrote the first draft of chapter one, and it will be inevitably polished again and again, because I'm rarely ever completely happy with my work. For the time being, anyway, I like it. The title is tentatively "The Original Manuscript Documenting the Story of a Hermit and One Corrupted by Society; A romance." My pen name being Emory Firestone. I'll post an excerpt eventually--but I need to write more first. I'm really excited for this.

By the way, I was the second biggest loser at the weigh in today =D hopefully I can keep this up.

I'm starting a new diet plan.

Alright, so the Biggest Loser thing is not going as well as I expected. So I'm going to try some extra things, and add more and more on each week.

Along with my daily run, this week I plan on:
Not eating after 6:30 PM
Drinking water or tea as a substitute for pop

Yeah, so that's my start. Again, my goal is to break 130 and I've kind of been slacking.

Fell off the wagon but am getting right back on.

Nothing works out right the first time around. Persistence results in success. There would be no success without failure.

Back and forth. Forth and back.
Remember, he's just another Colorado sunset.

Colorado sunset.

You're famous for your beauty, that much I'll admit. Your blue eyes shine like stars in the sky, looking down at the mess of me you've made. They change colors curiously, as you near the end of your lifetime, morphing into a gradient of hots and colds. Robin's egg blue to amber orange, royal purple to pitch black. A spectacular show; you put Vegas to shame. But pretty boy, never forget, you're just another Colorado sunset.

--

What can I say? He's still good for inspiration.

when you think tim mcgraw i hope you think my favorite song.

I hate how I always freak out when guys like me. I just get creeped out, even if I had nothing against them. Just the idea that someone likes me the way I like other guys is just a weird concept to me. That I'm always on their minds, that anything I do is just perfect or right, or that I'm the cause of one of those unrequited crushes that we've all experienced and loathed. That I'm inspiration for a song or poem. That they think of me when that special song comes on the radio. It's just a weird concept if you don't like them back.

By the way, my mom, aunts, and some of my girl cousins are starting this "Biggest Loser" contest. I signed up. Hopefully this is the motivation I need to shed the pounds I've been trying to lose for a long time. My goal is 10 lbs, but of course, I wouldn't be too upset if I lost more, haha.

Song of the moment (yes, more Taylor Swift):


Yeah. I love this song. :)
Peace.

PostSecrets.

I love the PostSecrets this week. I'm having trouble figuring out which one to write about first.

<3


Oh, and Emerson got engaged =D

"Did you know I fell in love with you under those leaves?"

It's a warm afternoon, the sun is still high in the sky even though it is nearing towards evening, casting a buttery warmth over the ground and the leaves. We jump into the pile like children, scattering all of our hard work. The leaves crunch under our weight but produce a soft and comfortable mattress, despite the stems and tips poking us through our jackets. Our faces are warm and flushed from the exercise, hands rough and filled with splinters from the wooden handle of the rake. You throw a handful of leaves at me, they get stuck in my hair and you have to help me untangle it. Our hands touch. Lips brush. An autumn afternoon, long ago, after you came and before you went.

"Did you know I fell in love with you under those leaves?"

Mario Kart Love Song

I'm starting to train for the summer swim season. It's been about two months since the winter season ended and the next season starts mid-May. I'm crazy out of shape--I've been running, and my quads are killing me. I have one of those heating pads in my lap as I type this. It doesn't help that I bruise like a peach and the kayaks in my Adventure Water Sports class have caused my hips and legs to become an odd bluish color.

I'm going to start with my PostSecret stories again. I'm currently trying to decide on one to write about. Any suggestions?


By the way, happy passover :)

white horse.

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Baby I was naíve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess
This ain't our fairytale
I'm gonna find someone, someday
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rear view mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.

Single File show last night.

It was awesome. Wow. Best show I've been to in a long time.
Moriah and I showed up at about 5:45 because traffic sucked, and met up with Brittany. We hung out until the box office opened at about 6:40 and doors opened at 7.

Openers:
The Frequent Sea - Nerf from my favorite radio station's band. Ehh. I couldn't tell if I liked them because their singer was really ugly and kept putting his crotch in Brittany's face lol.
Set Forth - I really liked them, they have that awesome piano rock sound. Their set was thoroughly enjoyable and they sounded great live. There were some drunks right next to me during their set though, which was lame.
The Epilogues - The center mic wasn't quite loud enough I don't think, because I couldn't hear him or the lyrics all too well. Then again, they weren't quite as soft sounding as Set Forth, so maybe I didn't have the right expectations. But I liked them. There was a girl with big boobs and a low cut shirt, totally wasted, dancing nearby and I swore her boobs were about to pop out and we'd all be eyewitnesses.
Single File - Awesome. I danced until my feet hurt and was dizzy. The barricade fell over on me haha. Those boys always know how to make my night, I can't explain it. They sound amazing live and they're very personable on stage. It was just amazing.

Single File had a new bassist just to fill in the sound when they play shows, this guy named Jason. Jason's best friend from California was in the front with us, taking pictures. He was so drunk oh my goodness hahaha. He's talking about how he gets drunk faster here than in California becuase of the altitude haha. He also told me that Jason's jeans were given to him by his ex girlfriend Katie, and it's one of the three pairs he owns. I found that funny. He was such a funny guy and his face when he turned around to face the crowd was like that of a kid's on christmas morning. A photographer on the other side of him gave him a number for rehab lmao.

I made some cool new friends and discovered some cool new music. It was awesome.

bookstore.

Between the bookshelves, I stand in awe. Billions of words tucked quietly between covers of cardstock and cardboard press down on my heart. My blood runs warm through my veins, an adrenaline rush, filling me with a vitality brought about only by books. I flip through the pages of these books and take in the stories of people throughout history who may or may not have existed. These are stories of passionate lovers, admirable heroes, and greedy men. The tales differ in plot and style, from poetry to prose, but they all are similar in one way. They all reach out and grab me, tying me to them with a golden thread. A thread that appears to be thin and worthless but is unable to be broken. Brute force could not tear me away from the wonders that books behold. I am entranced, body and soul, by the simple words that fit together to create such a beautiful thing.

--
A little ditty I wrote at Barnes & Noble today, as I was emptying my wallet buying books.

as yet to be titled.

So let's drink tonight
A toast to being alone
Because nothing hurts more
Thank your voice on the radio
The black and grey static
That fills up the screen
Is my welcome solace
A barrier in between
Life is a set of train tracks
Separating east from west
Board the train before it goes
It's always for the best.

--
I've been trying to write one final poem inspired by/about John. Just to kind of wrap it all up and provide closure. Even though I've been over him, there just was no closure and I think this poem provides it. If you wouldn't tell, I was listening to Jack's Mannequin and moaning over how I could never write like Andrew McMahon and had given up trying to write something. Then I turned off my music and my lights to go to bed and bam! the first two lines of this entered my head and I just had to put it down on paper, and the rest followed. I think it's pretty obvious it was inspired by Jack's Mannequin but I tried not to make it TOO much like what Andrew would write, because although he's brilliant and I pale in comparison, I still want me to shine through. I really hope I was able to because I really like this.

Little house.

There is this house on my block that I always knew was there but didn't pay much attention to it. I was walking by it the other day and totally fell in love with it. It's not the prettiest house and it's in the middle of suburbia. It's really grown over with plants and there's a thick hedge in front of it. I've never seen anyone go in or out of that house, but I know people have to live there because of the fact that there's furniture inside. That part I noticed before. But the other day, I noticed there were some thick books in the window. Which caused me to think, hmm, what kind of person lives there? A lonely, heartbroken old poet? A doctor who discovered some kind of dangerous scientific secret? Or maybe a young boy, detatched from the world, hiding some kind of hideous deformity? Alright, so maybe I've read The Secret Garden way too many times. My imagination runs away with me sometimes. Anyway, so I'm walking past, thinking about who might live there, and I see this great stone arch at the side of the house leading into a backyard. There were gargoyles carved into the arch, and the yard beyond looked just as green and grassy as the front of the house. I didn't go any farther because I didn't want to trespass, but I think once the weather gets warm I'm going to get Lia and we're going to go look together, just to see what could possibly be back there. It's just fascinating, idk how to explain it. It's the inspiration for the novel I plan on starting to write soon...but I won't reveal the plot because I don't want you to steal it =D hopefully I can start once the weather gets warm. It's gonna be a good one.

Oh, and Kaela is talking to me again. I don't know if I am totally rejecting the whole prima donna thing now, because I think she still is, but I still love her all the same, even if things are a little awkward now. The fact that she was too lazy to respond to my apology message kind of ticks me off a little.

Anyway, night.