friends.

So everybody graduated yesterday. It was really bittersweet. Alli, Basil, Collin, Ksenia and everyone did fantastic. I was so proud of all of them.

That evening there was a party at Ksenia's. I met some new people and hung out with my old friends. I remember sitting in between Ephraim and Ksenia against the wall in her basement, and Collin came and sat in my lap. Steven, Taylor, and this kid I met named Kelson were playing with the music on the other side of the room and Basil and Sam were just chilling there, making sexual innuendos like they always do. I just kind of took in the moment. New friends, old friends. It was nice to just sit and joke around with people after we haven't done that in a while, really. It felt really great and made me feel so lucky that I was a part of it all, finally.

I really hope our group of friends doesn't fade away once they all go off to college.

I don't know where John was throughout any of this. He wasn't at graduation, even though his name was in the program. Who knows with him, anyway. He's never predictable, I haven't heard from him in a long time.

I finished my short chick-lit book today. It was called Boy Meets Boy, and I actually liked it a lot. I recommend it. It was written quite well for one of those pastel-covered, witty romances popular among females between the ages of 12 and 15. My next endevor? I'm going to go back to Dracula. I'm disappointed I never even got to start reading it, even though I've been meaning to for a while. We've been reading short stories in English since we've finished Jane Eyre, to pass the time until finals. So far we've read Story of an Hour and Occurence at Owl Creek Bridge, both really interesting, somewhat freaky stories. Not as much as the next and last one we're reading -- Cask of Amontillado. It's by Edgar Allen Poe, my favorite author, but I haven't read this story yet. I'm excited to.

Anyway, I think my blogging bores people. I talk so much about myself it's not even funny. But then again, I guess that's the point of blogging, to release YOUR inner thoughts. It's also why I prefer blogging over journaling--I write too slow and my train of thought is too fast. Part of the restless generation I suppose. Typing helps me keep up.

Laterrr

Fear the unlived life: a ballad, told in haiku.

I come into this
World red-faced with tears streaming
Sweet life has begun

My first tooth appears
Everything else follows suit
I walk, talk, dance, sing

School is a strange place
The children aren't very nice
They take my lunch money

High school means questions:
Who am I? What do I want?
Sex, drugs, more mistakes

Dazed and confused in
the "real world." Life is bills and
heartbreak. I'm lonely.

Now bound in holy
Matrimony, life speeds up
Life passes me by

Children have children
I have grown old and very tired
Things are very quiet

Death comes to retrieve
Me from my solitary
Life. And so I die.

remembering.

The "few months left" I've been clinging to has turned into "two days left." The seniors graduate Thursday, the day after tomorrow.

I'm remembering.
The other day I was just going back to the stills and scenes that made up our past. Soon I want to go with a camera and take pictures of some of the familiar places around campus where we'd always hang. I may post them once I do.

Photographs spinning in my head
Memories that have merely gone to bed
Ready to wake up when the sun shall rise
Soothing our muffled, lonely cries

back.

I haven't really blogged in a while. No idea why, I've just been lazy.

GEEK ALERT! GEEK ALERT! So we've just finished reading Jane Eyre in English. The final book of the year. I can't believe it. I think it was an awesome book with so much mystery and suspense I almost couldn't stand it. I recommend it. Also, while being a nerd, I wrote a poem about it.

The Burning at Thornfield Hall

Edward Rochester sits high
Upon his mighty throne
Badly bruised and thick in brow
Heart as hard as stone.
Then one day a scraggled wanderer
Came and stood at his feet,
Questioned his coded vanity
And accused his pompous seat.
Her raised her on a pedestal,
So they could see eye-to-eye
But when he pushed her down, she stole his crown
And poor Rochester began to cry.

Also, today was the senior's last full day. I'm going to miss them so much. When I walked up to the hill after English today and saw everyone there, I got kind of teary eyed. John came up to me and said "this isn't goodbye, this is just a see you later" and gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. (about that--I've relapsed a little but it's getting better. But in all honesty, I don't want it to get better anymore. I'm happy the way I am, and the way we are. It's a friendship now, but still a little more. He's no longer the source of my tears, which is a wonderful feeling). Graduation is a week from today--I'm so nervous/scared/excited/djshgfkjsdh/etc. It's going to be so weird seeing my friends, including John, walk up onstage in their caps and gowns and receive their diplomas. To see them all head off to college in pursuit of their lives, forgetting about me, their friend they left behind in high school.

Anyway, that's all for now. Laterrr

Nostalgia.

You may have read on my other blog a lot about this kid I used to know named Jesse. Well, lets start from the beginning...
Last year, I met Jesse in my acting class. He was cute, energetic, sweet, and fun to be around. I fell for him. Then he kept ditching class. I thought he was being stupid and asked him to come to class just to see me, because we were getting close. He said he would, but then he never showed up. We eventually went our separate ways and that was that.

Dear Jesse,

I'm sorry. But you're still an ignorant asshole. You fucking lied and you deserve to get suspended for more than two days this time. And I thought we had a good thing going. But you wouldn't listen to me, and you didn't care enough.

I miss who you were at the beginning of this semester. When I mattered. When I was your friend, instead of a piece of meat. Just another chick to flirt with, to lie to, to walk all over.

Sorry for freaking out.
Sorry for caring.
Sorry for wanting to be a good friend to you.
Sorry for wanting to apologize.
But truth is, I don't know why I am sorry.
Because I didn't do anything wrong.

You were a good friend when you were. Or was that just an act as well? I miss staying up late, texting you, and having deep discussions with you. Especially the last one we had.

I don't know if I ever got to thank you for those hugs you gave me when my grandpa died. And calling me that afternoon to make sure I was doing okay. I appreciated that a lot. Because I wasn't doing okay, I'm STILL not doing okay, on the 5 week anniversary of his death.

Now I don't even know what to do. Everything is falling apart. I want to call you, but I don't know if I should.

I want to go back to how life was three years ago.

Love,
Sarah
(from my old blog...April 22nd 2008)

So, to the present now...
I'm much more relaxed than I once was. I was going through a tough time when we first met, and that didn't do well with my nerves. So I was pretty uptight.

I came across his myspace tonight. He's abandoned his techno dreams and is playing guitar and alternative music now. He's different, and I'm not sure why. I haven't even talked to him, he may still be an asshole. Or maybe I'm the one that's different. Or maybe it's both.

Mind you, I'm not falling for him again. I would never do that, after what happened between us. But I just hope he accepts my friend request and we can become friends again. I hope.

Anyway, I've just been kind of nostalgic tonight. Maybe it's because the seniors will be gone and graduated in less than a month.

Mathematics.

1,036,800 minutes since our first meeting.
259, 200 minutes since the fateful realization.
24,480 minutes until the hopeless valediction.

108 cups of coffee drank.
5 million words written.
3 thousand tears I've cried.
And one person, smitten.

Pomp and Circumstance may play as you walk away, but there's one thing you should know: I will miss you when you sacrifice yourself for all the places you'll go.

another letter that will never be sent.

Dear Talia,
So we have been friends for years. I've always enjoyed your company--well, usually. You have always been the overachiever who had everything that I didn't. You have top grades, get into the best choirs, have the greatest relationship with your parents and you are always so damn nice to people who don't deserve it. I know you've had your insecurities but those insecurities should not cause you to want to be the master of the universe.
See, I don't get the best grades. I'm not dumb but I've never been academically gifted. I can't sing worth a damn, even though I always wished I could because everyone loves a girl who could sing. My relationship with my mom is less than satisfactory. I'm nice but not so nice where the people who don't deserve my kindness reap the benefits those who deserve it. There is a dividing line there, as there is one between everything about us.
TSYG and NFTY has always been my thing. It's been a stress reliever and has made me feel like a person that could be looked up to. TSYG board was my life. It kept me happy and strong when life was shitty. I breathed it in like air. It was the one thing I had above you, and though I never saw it as a heirarchy, it honestly was the good thing I could excel at more than you could. Or so I thought. You see, this past Sunday was Board elections for the 2009-2010 year. You against me. Inexperienced against experienced. I had the dedication and the good speech. You had the waterworks and pitiful eyes. You won.
I was absolutely heartbroken. I cried the hardest I've cried since my dog died. You took my pride and joy away from me, all because of a pity win. And the reason why you wanted to be on Board so bad wasn't because you wanted the best for TSYG. No, it was a much more shallow reason. It was because you wanted to be LIKED. Well guess what honey, Board or not, everyone loved you. Perfect, sweet Talia who did nothing wrong and who never stepped on anyone's toes. Yet you wanted the sole thing I had to hold onto and you got it.
I wish I could look at you the same way after Sunday. But I really can't, at least not now. I'm working on getting over my self-pity but it's hard to see someone so unqualified completely ruin what I loved in such a greedy way.
I may be unjust in feeling this way, but I truly don't think I am.
Love?,
Me